I am so thankful that you have all been reading my adoption blog.  You have no idea how encouraging that is to me.  However, I would not be where I am without the help of my amazing husband.  He is the one who got me into blogging and he is such an encourager.  Plus, he is a serious stud muffin. ;)


Below is a link to his blog.  His latest blog post is actually an excerpt from his book, which is due to be released on March 24th.  Please read it and see for yourselves how great it really is!
http://reclaimingthefaith.blogspot.com

We are only $2800 away from our fundraising goal of $12,000.  Please consider giving whatever you feel led to on his gofundme page.  Every little bit helps, and there are gifts at certain giving levels!
https://www.gofundme.com/k077ys

You guys are seriously the best.  God bless you all!

Life Lessons From A Nerf Gun

Recently my son received a gift from a family member that he was excited about.  At the time, he was under discipline, and as such the gift sat in a closet.  Honestly, I ended up forgetting about it.  While hanging out at the house one day, he asked if he could have it and I told him that was fine.  It was a pretty awesome Nerf gun that needed some assembly. 

Elated, he took the gun to his room to follow the directions and complete the assembly.  He brought the gun back to me in the box about 10 minutes later and reported that it was broken. 

Me: How did you break it?

D: I didn’t break it.  It just doesn’t work.

Me: Are you sure?

D: Yes.

Me: Are you sure that you don’t just need a little help?

D: Yes, I’m sure.  I followed the directions and it doesn’t work.

Me:  Okay, well what would you like me to do with it?

D: I don’t care.  It’s broken.  You can throw it away if you want, because it’s trash.

Me:  I don’t think that I’ll throw it away yet.  If I can put it together and it works, do you care if I keep it?

D: (Exasperated) I don’t care, because it’s broken.

This is not the first time that my son has called something broken that simply needed repair or reworking.  I reminded him of this and he said that was not the situation.  So, a few minutes later I set to work following the same instructions that he had followed, and in about 6 minutes assembled a pretty amazing Nerf gun.  I went into his room to show him and to shoot him with the awesome darts because I am a mature mom like that.  I sat and talked to him for a few minutes about why asking for help is so important and how it helps us to not miss out on incredible opportunities.  I also told him that I was going to keep the gun since he said I could have the gun that was “trash”.

We went about our business of the day and he seemed to be acting strange.  I thought he just wanted to play in his room, but as the day progressed, he started to seem depressed.  I got out art stuff (he is the artist of the family), thinking that would bring him out of his slump and made him come work us on something I knew he would enjoy.  He schlepped through it for about 5 minutes then threw it in the trash without my knowledge.  I sent a text to my husband and a friend asking for prayer because something was wrong.

It took me longer than I would like to admit to make the connection between our earlier conversation and his change in behavior.  Actually, my husband made the connection, and it all started to come together.  Living in foster care, my son has learned a tremendous amount of independence and self-reliance.  It is crazy to think that at the tender age of 10 when we adopted him that he had determined that it was wisest for him to figure everything out on his own and trust no one, and that it was better to miss out on really neat stuff than to let anyone know he needed help. 

This mindset was more complicated than simply feeling like there was no one that he could trust.  He wanted to see what he could accomplish on his own so that he could say that he did it by himself.  While this may seem like a good thing, it was really hindering him in a lot of areas in his life.  He needed a lot of help, as his parents we wanted to help, but he just did not want to ask for it, and as such it left him at a disadvantage. 

Later on, my husband talked to him about humility and pride, and what had happened earlier in the day.  My husband suggested that if D apologized, my husband truly believed that I would share the gun with my son.  D agreed and said he would do it later.  I heard about the conversation and the hours progressed with me hearing nothing from D.  In the morning, D came up to me, and asked if we could share the gun.  There was no apology, so I told him that he could not have it back yet.  The next day, he apologized to me for thinking that I was not smart enough to put the gun together and for throwing away the art project.  I gave him back his gun, and he was thrilled and shot a few celebratory darts into the air.  I explained to him how he had hurt me when he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and when he wouldn’t ask for help.  I explained that a parent’s job is to love their kids and to teach them how to be good adults.  He hugged me and said he would try to do better next time. 

The whole scenario was a little insight into what my son has been through to this point in his life.  He has received little one-on-one instruction from his bio parents or during his time in foster care.  He was moved around a lot and never really felt settled enough to see parents in the role that I described above.  Foster care and adoption are not for everyone, and kids come with a variety of past experiences, but when you are able to gain a little insight and speak truth into their lives, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do.   

Waiting Some More...

The last post was meant to address the home study that I wrote about earlier.  This post gets us a bit more on track with our adoption journey.   When I left off with our journey we had just found out that our caseworker had submitted our home study for H&Z.  We had briefly met these kids and thought that they seemed sweet, but we literally knew nothing about them.  It’s funny that when you don’t know much about someone, your brain starts to fill in the details.  This can be dangerous, though, as we often tend to paint them in a light that doesn’t reflect their true selves. 

We waited until the end of April, which was nearly 3 months since the time that we met them.  About a month after our home study was submitted, we finally heard from June, our caseworker.  June informed us that we were in the top 3 families for the kids.  If you remember from a previous post, most families are not made aware unless they are the chosen family.  So, why were we notified, you might ask?  Well, we still had not met our current caseworker.  Yes, she had been our caseworker for a few months now and we had chatted over the phone and through email, but she had never met us or seen our home.  She said that at the upcoming meeting, each of the caseworkers would present their case for why they thought their particular family would be the best fit for H&Z.  She needed to get to know us in order to advocate for us to become the adoptive parents.

We scheduled a meeting with June for the following week.  Our excitement was building as we realized that these kids might actually become ours very soon.  June was warm and friendly, and honestly, a breath of fresh air, as we were beginning to feel a bit weary from the journey.  She told us that the kids were in pre-K and 4^th grade.  She also told us that D liked to play basketball and loved animals.  She shared that Z was a girly girl and that she loved to wear pretty dresses.  At the time of our home visit, she did not know very many specifics to share with us, but that was enough for us to start imagining what the future might hold.  June explained that it may be another 1-2 weeks before we heard if we were selected, so we should just try to wait patiently. 

Our excitement turned to slight panic as we realized how much our lives were about to change.  We tried not to assume that we would get selected, but it was hard not to when everything seemed to be pointing in that direction.  All along the way, we had been trying to pray about every decision, but now we were pleading with God for peace and wisdom.  My poor friends must have heard me babble on and on about these kids that I met so briefly, but thankfully, they were kind and helped keep me sane while we waited in a not-so-patient manner.

Questions and Answers

Ah, the oh-so-dreaded home study.  Prior to actively pursuing adoption, I had heard several negative things about a home study, and so had a decent amount of anxiety about completing it.   The home study is a catch-all term used to refer to your home assessment (checking to make sure you meet the basic safety needs), interviews by your case worker, as well as interviews completed by a third party. 

The home safety assessment is pretty straightforward and is the first basic hurdle to adoption.  For the most part, they want to make sure that you have a fire extinguisher and smoke detectors, locks on all cleaning products and medications, and all of the outlets covered.  If you have a pool or a trampoline things get a little more complicated regarding safety essentials.  This part is taken care of generally prior to moving forward with the interviews.

The caseworker interviews consist of surface level questions done in the home.  Basically, the caseworkers want to get a feel for what life is like in your home.  They may ask questions like, “What does your family do for fun?” or, “What is your support network like?” or, “Do you own any weapons and where are they stored?”.  You don’t need to stress about this too much, though.  Just be yourself, try to relax, and know that your caseworker is generally happy that you want to adopt one of the children from CPS.  Caseworkers do not want kids to stay under the care of the state indefinitely, but rather want to find them the ideal forever home.  Their goal is not to dismiss you, but to help you to find kids that will be the best fit for your family.  I know it is hard to believe that in the moment, but trust me – caseworkers are thrilled when a child receives a permanent placement. 

The final step is a little more involved and consists of an interview and inspection from a third party company.  Ours was scheduled in the afternoon on a day prior to me working that evening.  I naively assumed that it would take less than an hour, and it ended up taking 2-3 hours.  Thankfully, a coworker stayed late so that we could complete our interview without interruption.  A woman showed up at our house with her laptop for the assessment.  She spoke to us first together, then each of us individually, and then together again at the end.  She wrote down everything that we said for her report. 

The questions were much deeper and difficult to answer than those asked by our caseworker.  We were asked questions like:

·      What are the best and worst character traits of your mate and of yourself?
·      What is your biggest concern regarding adoption?
·      How would you handle discipline with your children?
·      How do you handle stress?
·      How did your parents discipline you as a child? 
·      What was the environment of your household     like when you were growing up and how did that affect you?
·      How do you handle arguments with your mate? 

These questions made us search deeper than we had initially planned.  This was an incredibly important step for the two of us as we began to truly count the cost of moving forward with adoption.   The questions forced us to have conversations that we did not even realize were necessary.  In the same way that premarital counseling allows couples to remove the rose-colored glasses, this home study made us truly examine our hearts and see some areas that still needed work. 

A Christian pastor once said, “When we are bumped, we spill what we are filled with.”  If the hurt of our childhood or our concerns about our mate are not dealt with early on, these will inevitably “spill” over onto our kids.  No amount of planning and preparation will ever make you a perfect adoptive parent, but dealing with the dark areas of our past will allow more of the love of Christ to shine through us to our children. 

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

I realize that this is a departure from our adoption journey, but I feel that it must be said.  A common theme that is pervasive in articles posted to social media is lists of things you should never say to a parent of one child, a parent of multiples, a working mother, a stay at home mother, etc.  I often try to read these articles to familiarize myself with ways I may be unintentionally offensive.  However, the other side to this issue is that we must try to not be so thin-skinned.  What I mean is we should attempt to see the heart behind what was said, rather than focusing on the poor phrasing or word choice that was used.  This does not give license to simply say whatever pops in our head and be immediately forgiven of any harm that it causes. 

Examples work best for me, so let me share some potentially hurtful things people have said to me concerning adoption, and how I try to interpret these words in the best way possible. 

11)   Don’t you want any of your OWN children? Or slightly reworded: Do you have any of your own children?

This hurts many adoptive parents because each road to adoption is so deeply personal.  There may be fertility issues, there may be financial issues, or it may simply be something that they feel called to do.  The parents will share this information if they feel that you should to know it.  If someone feels called to adopt, get excited for her because she is helping to make one less orphan. 

As an adoptive parent, I don’t get offended by this one.  I know these are my kids that I worked super hard for.  I chose them and did everything that I had to do to bring them home.  I take this opportunity to educate my friends and family that these are my own kids.  No need to spew hateful statements. 

22)   You know, many of these kids are “messed up” from birth based on genetics. 

This has totally been said to me, multiple times and I still internally scream a bit.  Messed up?  Seriously?!  Depending on the situation, I want to say, “And your bio kids are SO great?”.  But alas, I am a Christian and cannot say such words.  I really shouldn’t think them, but hey, God is still working on me. 

Anyway, try to get at the heart behind the comment.  Your friend or family member is saying this journey will be really tough… are you prepared?  This is something every potential foster/adoptive parent must assess.  Am I ready?  Do I have a correct view of what parenting will be like?  Do I have a good support system?  Have I truly counted the cost?  If you are called to adoption, please understand, these kids come with baggage.  I forget sometimes that my kids have gone through serious hurt in their years before we met.  It has not been easy, but few things that are truly valuable come without a struggle.

33)   Don’t you know that you will never love these children like you would love a biological child?

This one is particularly interesting to me.  Is there some way to quantify love?  I am unaware of any such tool.  In addition, I have known plenty of biological parents who “loved” their kids, but put their addictions ahead of the needs of their families.  Similarly, let us not forget that the reason many of these children are up for adoption is that their biological parents neglected or abused them.  Being a biological parent most certainly does not make you love someone more.  We chose each day who we will demonstrate love to.  God’s power working through me allows me to love in tremendous ways. 

Now, how should we as adoptive parents see the heart behind this statement?  I feel that what this person is really saying is that they love their biological child in a deep and unexplainable way.  They may feel that it would be really tough to love someone outside of their family that much.  Thank that friend for their concern, but let me tell you from experience, I love my kids.  I do not have biological kids to do a side-by-side comparison with, but I guarantee you that I love them in a way that I never thought possible.  I’m sure that there are differences with bio kids, but I find that unimportant when I look into the precious faces of my children and thank God that He entrusted me to care for them.

There are more of these phrases, which I would like to explore later, but for now, I will simply thank God for concerned friends and family.  They care about us and want what is best for us, even if they have trouble articulating it.  Adoption may be weird to those that do not feel called to it, but I have always rather enjoyed being a weirdo.