Adoption stories tug at my heart. And by tug, I mean they turn me into a weepy mess. The whole idea of seeing someone in need and finding a way to meet that need speaks to me at my core. It is beautiful, and it makes a great story. What more could you want?

When I was a teenager I began to be drawn to adoption for many reasons. Some were altruistic, but I am certain that if you were able to see into my heart, a part of me wanted to be someone’s rescuer be noticed for that act of rescuing. Being seen as selfless can really stroke our ego, which is quite ironic and dangerous. This is one reasons that I am thankful for the body of Christ.  I am humbled when I see folks who don’t adopt serving in incredibly selfless ways, as well as I see people who have adopted more children than me or children with special needs. 

Parents that adopt are some of my favorite people. I usually feel an instant bond with them in the same way that military folks are drawn together. We know what it truly means to be in the trenches, dealing with struggles that are unique to the adoptive relationship. We are used to people asking us repeatedly why we would ever choose to adopt a child that is “not our own”. We understand the confused stares that we get every time that we have a family outing. We understand that with kids that have joined our families through adoption (and potentially bio ones as well), there is so much just beneath the surface. Pain and heartache is a huge part of what made our families.

I say all that as a preface to these thoughts I have been having about my motivation to adopt. One of the main purposes of my blog is to help spur people toward adoption. It is what brings my heart tremendous joy. In all this encouraging, I feel like I need to confess that I have let the opinion of others steer me more than I would care to admit. Part of me swells with pride as I receive a pat on the back for adopting children. It makes me feel like I did something great.

So, I feel that it is necessary for adoptive parents as well as would-be adoptive parents to do some soul searching.  Please consider the following questions and give honest answers.

1                   1) What motivated me to adopt in the first place?

                     2) Would I still choose adoption if no one around me thought that it was admirable?

                     3)  Am I trying to be my child’s savior?

                     4)Am I okay with the idea that I alone cannot “fix” my child?

These questions have been giving me pause lately. My children have been through significant trauma and are struggling to catch up with their peers in many ways.  They are incredibly resilient, but there is still tremendous hurt just below the surface. No amount of hugs and kisses can heal their pain. They only act as band-aids, and no amount of band-aids can fix a gaping wound.

My kids, as well as most kids that have had their world turned upside down through displacement and adoption, need help from outside the family unit. When we first adopted, CPS required (and financially provided) for us to attend counseling every other week. The Christian counseling provided by our therapist helped us to learn how to cope with living together as a family. Everyone was struggling with the new way of life, but through our counselor’s guidance, that adjustment became much more enjoyable. A counselor provides a voice from outside the family to help speak truth, for which I am so thankful. 

Another important source of help from the outside is the support system. Our friends and family have been instrumental to helping our kids grow in so many ways. It is essential for any child to have trusted family and friends to turn to with concerns as well as embarrassing questions. We should ask our kids to choose someone they feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects. If that person is someone we trust, we should give our child our permission to do so. Although I think part of me would love to answer all his questions, I seriously doubt that my teenage son will come to me with his questions about sexuality.

Ultimately, we all need the healing that can come from Jesus alone. Long before we met our children, they were known by their Heavenly Father. They are precious to Him. I pray for my children every single day and I feel like this is the most important thing that I do for my children. I pray for wisdom in how to handle the difficult situations that come my way. I pray for patience to stay calm when frustrated. I pray for deep friendships for them that are good, positive influences. I pray that they learn to trust more and more. These prayers are not simply words spoken in vain. I am pleading for God to help me to make the most of this opportunity that I have been given to reflect Him. By God’s grace, I will be able to do just that.

As parents, our role is so important, but we cannot mistake that for being everything to our children. When we try to “save” or “fix” our kids in our own strength, we become overbearing and life is exponentially more stressful. When I play my part, when I trust God to transform my children, and I allow friends and families to be that support system, we see just how beautiful the story of adoption can truly be. 

My biggest supporter =)

I am so thankful that you have all been reading my adoption blog.  You have no idea how encouraging that is to me.  However, I would not be where I am without the help of my amazing husband.  He is the one who got me into blogging and he is such an encourager.  Plus, he is a serious stud muffin. ;)


Below is a link to his blog.  His latest blog post is actually an excerpt from his book, which is due to be released on March 24th.  Please read it and see for yourselves how great it really is!
http://reclaimingthefaith.blogspot.com

We are only $2800 away from our fundraising goal of $12,000.  Please consider giving whatever you feel led to on his gofundme page.  Every little bit helps, and there are gifts at certain giving levels!
https://www.gofundme.com/k077ys

You guys are seriously the best.  God bless you all!

Waiting Some More...

The last post was meant to address the home study that I wrote about earlier.  This post gets us a bit more on track with our adoption journey.   When I left off with our journey we had just found out that our caseworker had submitted our home study for H&Z.  We had briefly met these kids and thought that they seemed sweet, but we literally knew nothing about them.  It’s funny that when you don’t know much about someone, your brain starts to fill in the details.  This can be dangerous, though, as we often tend to paint them in a light that doesn’t reflect their true selves. 

We waited until the end of April, which was nearly 3 months since the time that we met them.  About a month after our home study was submitted, we finally heard from June, our caseworker.  June informed us that we were in the top 3 families for the kids.  If you remember from a previous post, most families are not made aware unless they are the chosen family.  So, why were we notified, you might ask?  Well, we still had not met our current caseworker.  Yes, she had been our caseworker for a few months now and we had chatted over the phone and through email, but she had never met us or seen our home.  She said that at the upcoming meeting, each of the caseworkers would present their case for why they thought their particular family would be the best fit for H&Z.  She needed to get to know us in order to advocate for us to become the adoptive parents.

We scheduled a meeting with June for the following week.  Our excitement was building as we realized that these kids might actually become ours very soon.  June was warm and friendly, and honestly, a breath of fresh air, as we were beginning to feel a bit weary from the journey.  She told us that the kids were in pre-K and 4^th grade.  She also told us that D liked to play basketball and loved animals.  She shared that Z was a girly girl and that she loved to wear pretty dresses.  At the time of our home visit, she did not know very many specifics to share with us, but that was enough for us to start imagining what the future might hold.  June explained that it may be another 1-2 weeks before we heard if we were selected, so we should just try to wait patiently. 

Our excitement turned to slight panic as we realized how much our lives were about to change.  We tried not to assume that we would get selected, but it was hard not to when everything seemed to be pointing in that direction.  All along the way, we had been trying to pray about every decision, but now we were pleading with God for peace and wisdom.  My poor friends must have heard me babble on and on about these kids that I met so briefly, but thankfully, they were kind and helped keep me sane while we waited in a not-so-patient manner.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

I realize that this is a departure from our adoption journey, but I feel that it must be said.  A common theme that is pervasive in articles posted to social media is lists of things you should never say to a parent of one child, a parent of multiples, a working mother, a stay at home mother, etc.  I often try to read these articles to familiarize myself with ways I may be unintentionally offensive.  However, the other side to this issue is that we must try to not be so thin-skinned.  What I mean is we should attempt to see the heart behind what was said, rather than focusing on the poor phrasing or word choice that was used.  This does not give license to simply say whatever pops in our head and be immediately forgiven of any harm that it causes. 

Examples work best for me, so let me share some potentially hurtful things people have said to me concerning adoption, and how I try to interpret these words in the best way possible. 

11)   Don’t you want any of your OWN children? Or slightly reworded: Do you have any of your own children?

This hurts many adoptive parents because each road to adoption is so deeply personal.  There may be fertility issues, there may be financial issues, or it may simply be something that they feel called to do.  The parents will share this information if they feel that you should to know it.  If someone feels called to adopt, get excited for her because she is helping to make one less orphan. 

As an adoptive parent, I don’t get offended by this one.  I know these are my kids that I worked super hard for.  I chose them and did everything that I had to do to bring them home.  I take this opportunity to educate my friends and family that these are my own kids.  No need to spew hateful statements. 

22)   You know, many of these kids are “messed up” from birth based on genetics. 

This has totally been said to me, multiple times and I still internally scream a bit.  Messed up?  Seriously?!  Depending on the situation, I want to say, “And your bio kids are SO great?”.  But alas, I am a Christian and cannot say such words.  I really shouldn’t think them, but hey, God is still working on me. 

Anyway, try to get at the heart behind the comment.  Your friend or family member is saying this journey will be really tough… are you prepared?  This is something every potential foster/adoptive parent must assess.  Am I ready?  Do I have a correct view of what parenting will be like?  Do I have a good support system?  Have I truly counted the cost?  If you are called to adoption, please understand, these kids come with baggage.  I forget sometimes that my kids have gone through serious hurt in their years before we met.  It has not been easy, but few things that are truly valuable come without a struggle.

33)   Don’t you know that you will never love these children like you would love a biological child?

This one is particularly interesting to me.  Is there some way to quantify love?  I am unaware of any such tool.  In addition, I have known plenty of biological parents who “loved” their kids, but put their addictions ahead of the needs of their families.  Similarly, let us not forget that the reason many of these children are up for adoption is that their biological parents neglected or abused them.  Being a biological parent most certainly does not make you love someone more.  We chose each day who we will demonstrate love to.  God’s power working through me allows me to love in tremendous ways. 

Now, how should we as adoptive parents see the heart behind this statement?  I feel that what this person is really saying is that they love their biological child in a deep and unexplainable way.  They may feel that it would be really tough to love someone outside of their family that much.  Thank that friend for their concern, but let me tell you from experience, I love my kids.  I do not have biological kids to do a side-by-side comparison with, but I guarantee you that I love them in a way that I never thought possible.  I’m sure that there are differences with bio kids, but I find that unimportant when I look into the precious faces of my children and thank God that He entrusted me to care for them.

There are more of these phrases, which I would like to explore later, but for now, I will simply thank God for concerned friends and family.  They care about us and want what is best for us, even if they have trouble articulating it.  Adoption may be weird to those that do not feel called to it, but I have always rather enjoyed being a weirdo.

Decisions

I thought it necessary to get a little more in-depth about some things mentioned in the last post.  When looking to work with Child Protective Services child placement, you must decide whether to foster only, adopt only, or foster-to-adopt.  At this particular meeting, the CPS worker was really pushing for foster-to-adopt.  Just to be clear, all of the above choices are right and good, but you must decide what is best for you and your family.  My husband and I decided that we were only open to adopting. 

Around this time, I had a dear friend who had three different adoptive placements fall through for various reasons.  Understandably, it took quite a toll on her and left me pretty shaken as well.  I have also had many more friends who adopted their foster kids since then, and statistically speaking this is far more likely to happen.  Just be prepared that you have to choose a route early on.  Adoption through CPS (I can only speak for the state of Texas) is always free (yay!).  In addition to this if you adopt any child over the age of 6, any African American child over the age of 2 (due to the high volume of AA children in CPS), or any child with a diagnosed physical or mental disability, the child qualifies for other financial assistance.

Another topic I mentioned in the last post was a preferences packet that we were required to fill out stating what kinds of children we were open to.  For those that do not know me, I am at times far too emotionally-driven.  I think that it is my job to single-handedly fix any problem that breaks my heart, but my follow-through is often lacking.  This is where God graciously gave me a husband to create balance.  He reminds me that sometimes we should start small before making huge life-long commitments.  I would have probably checked that I was open to any number of children, with any kind of issue, without thinking through any logistics or even bothering to pray about it.  It is not my job to be the savior of CPS, but it is my job to honor God with my time, my house, my life.

Let's Take It Back to the Start

As long as I can remember, adoption has been the plan.  Even though I could never really imagine being married when I was a teenager or early twenty-something, I always felt strongly about adoption.  This strong feeling was not just an, “Oh that’s so sad…someone should do something about that.  Here is $10,” feeling.  This was more like an ache deep in my soul that caused me to weep nearly every time adoption was brought up.  I was compelled to adopt and I would not be deterred. 

I run into women all the time that want to adopt, but their husbands are not on the same page.  While this saddens me, it helps me to see that before getting serious with any guy, we have to be in agreement.  We cannot be unequally yoked in our love and devotion to Jesus or adoption.  These are the non-negotiables. 

As a teen and beyond, there were not exactly guys lining up to date me.  I had more than my fair share of crushes, but those guys were always so glad that I was their, “Best friend”.  Ugh.  As if.  That was the last thing that I wanted, but I am so glad that I was spared from needless relationships.  Enter Phil.  This smart, handsome, godly man started to pursue me.  Ehh…what the heck?  Once his intentions became clearer, I felt the need to have this extremely uncomfortable, but all too important conversation: Adoption. Imagine, the first guy that has ever liked you as more than just a friend, and before we are really even dating, I ask if he is open to adoption.  Yep, I made things awkward in a hurry.  Thankfully, he said he would be open to having one biological and one adopted child, and thus began our relationship.

To be continued….