In the last post, we had just discovered that we were chosen to adopt H & Z.  We read their file and spoke to their foster parents.  This was getting real in a hurry.  Because it was almost the end of the school year, we set a move-in date and allowed for about a week or so to get to know the kids. 

Up until this point, the kids had not yet known that they were going to be adopted.  Without going into too much detail, our beautiful kids were told once before that they were going to be adopted, only to have it fall through in a most devastating manner.  Now, CPS was correctly trying to shield their emotions until we were 110% sure that we wanted to adopt.  A few days before our first “date” with the kids, they were told about the adoption and given our lifebook about our family.  Z was thrilled, and H was less than ecstatic (understandably so) until he found out we had dogs. 

Our caseworker sent us a photo of the kids with the lifebook and I seriously lost it.  I was at work, and kept tearing up.  These were our babies. They were 5 and 10 years old, and not biologically ours, but these were our babies nonetheless.

We met them the first time with the caseworker at the foster parents house.  We were told to bring a gift, so I brought the blankets I had made each of them.  We were bubbling over with excitement, but the kids were a little unsure about us.  That is until Z with all her friendliness (which as I am discovering now is a little too friendly at times) plopped herself right between me and my husband.  She held our hands, and all the tension began to melt away.  H was more reserved, but still warm toward us.  We left that night, and made plans to meet them for dinner at the end of the week. 

                                                                                                 

We've Been Chosen!

In the last blog about our journey, we found out that we were in the top three families considered to adopt H & Z.  We were ecstatic, but tried to remind ourselves that there were many steps remaining before any children would be in our home.   One afternoon in April of 2014, we received a call that would change our lives forever.  We were chosen as the top family for the kids.  Our case worker wanted to know if we were still interested, and we of course responded with an emphatic, “YES!” 

                                              

We knew very little about them, their history, or what they would need.  Their photo (a grainy black-and-white photocopy) was already posted proudly on our refrigerator.  We had been praying that they were safe and loved even before they moved into our home.  This was getting so real, and we asked all of our friends and family to pray that we would not simply get swept up in excitement, but that we would make wise decisions regarding our future family.

We were told that there was still quite a process ahead, but everything felt finalized.  We scheduled a time to meet with the kids’ caseworker.  She came by our house and told us more about the kids.  She shared how our son wanted to change his name to Tre’, but she was not sure why.  She also told us that our daughter looked up to her big brother.  He was her hero and she adored him.  We heard a bit about how they were brought into CPS custody and what they had been through in the foster system.  We hurt for our kids over the things that no kid should ever have to go through. 

The next step involved us reading their complete file.  This task may be incredibly daunting depending on how long the child or children have been in CPS custody.  Unfortunately, our kids had spent quite some time in the system in various houses, and therefore had extremely lengthy files, which were probably nearly 1,000 pages long in total.  These must be read in the CPS office in a single sitting.  My husband and I divided and conquered the stacks, and shared information that seemed pertinent.  We spoke in depth to the caseworker that had known the kids for most of the time that they were in CPS custody.  Although we could never know EVERYTHING, this was about as good as we could get.

We were then scheduled to have a conference with their current foster parents.  All that we managed to arrange was a conference call with the foster dad due to their schedules.  This conversation provided us with more insight than we realized at the time.  I would suggest writing down questions ahead of time that you feel will help you to better understand what life is like with the kids day in and day out.  At the end of all this, we were decided.  We wanted these kids to be our kids.

My husband and I were thrilled, of course, over the idea of these adorable kids coming into our family and the adventure ahead of us.  I know that I say this all the time, but this new adventure in our lives came at a tremendous cost to our kids and their bio family.  I don’t say this to put a damper on your excitement, but rather to help with future interactions with your kids.  There will most definitely be days when your kids will not feel happy to be a part of your family.  There will be days when your child will blame CPS for taking them away from their families.  There will be days when they remember their parents as nothing less than perfect.  There will be days when all they can see are your flaws.  There will be days when nothing will seem right, no matter how hard you try. 

I challenge you to remember two things in those times: your excitement at the very beginning and the long-term goal.  You are changing lives forever, and that quite the undertaking. 

My biggest supporter =)

I am so thankful that you have all been reading my adoption blog.  You have no idea how encouraging that is to me.  However, I would not be where I am without the help of my amazing husband.  He is the one who got me into blogging and he is such an encourager.  Plus, he is a serious stud muffin. ;)


Below is a link to his blog.  His latest blog post is actually an excerpt from his book, which is due to be released on March 24th.  Please read it and see for yourselves how great it really is!
http://reclaimingthefaith.blogspot.com

We are only $2800 away from our fundraising goal of $12,000.  Please consider giving whatever you feel led to on his gofundme page.  Every little bit helps, and there are gifts at certain giving levels!
https://www.gofundme.com/k077ys

You guys are seriously the best.  God bless you all!

Life Lessons From A Nerf Gun

Recently my son received a gift from a family member that he was excited about.  At the time, he was under discipline, and as such the gift sat in a closet.  Honestly, I ended up forgetting about it.  While hanging out at the house one day, he asked if he could have it and I told him that was fine.  It was a pretty awesome Nerf gun that needed some assembly. 

Elated, he took the gun to his room to follow the directions and complete the assembly.  He brought the gun back to me in the box about 10 minutes later and reported that it was broken. 

Me: How did you break it?

D: I didn’t break it.  It just doesn’t work.

Me: Are you sure?

D: Yes.

Me: Are you sure that you don’t just need a little help?

D: Yes, I’m sure.  I followed the directions and it doesn’t work.

Me:  Okay, well what would you like me to do with it?

D: I don’t care.  It’s broken.  You can throw it away if you want, because it’s trash.

Me:  I don’t think that I’ll throw it away yet.  If I can put it together and it works, do you care if I keep it?

D: (Exasperated) I don’t care, because it’s broken.

This is not the first time that my son has called something broken that simply needed repair or reworking.  I reminded him of this and he said that was not the situation.  So, a few minutes later I set to work following the same instructions that he had followed, and in about 6 minutes assembled a pretty amazing Nerf gun.  I went into his room to show him and to shoot him with the awesome darts because I am a mature mom like that.  I sat and talked to him for a few minutes about why asking for help is so important and how it helps us to not miss out on incredible opportunities.  I also told him that I was going to keep the gun since he said I could have the gun that was “trash”.

We went about our business of the day and he seemed to be acting strange.  I thought he just wanted to play in his room, but as the day progressed, he started to seem depressed.  I got out art stuff (he is the artist of the family), thinking that would bring him out of his slump and made him come work us on something I knew he would enjoy.  He schlepped through it for about 5 minutes then threw it in the trash without my knowledge.  I sent a text to my husband and a friend asking for prayer because something was wrong.

It took me longer than I would like to admit to make the connection between our earlier conversation and his change in behavior.  Actually, my husband made the connection, and it all started to come together.  Living in foster care, my son has learned a tremendous amount of independence and self-reliance.  It is crazy to think that at the tender age of 10 when we adopted him that he had determined that it was wisest for him to figure everything out on his own and trust no one, and that it was better to miss out on really neat stuff than to let anyone know he needed help. 

This mindset was more complicated than simply feeling like there was no one that he could trust.  He wanted to see what he could accomplish on his own so that he could say that he did it by himself.  While this may seem like a good thing, it was really hindering him in a lot of areas in his life.  He needed a lot of help, as his parents we wanted to help, but he just did not want to ask for it, and as such it left him at a disadvantage. 

Later on, my husband talked to him about humility and pride, and what had happened earlier in the day.  My husband suggested that if D apologized, my husband truly believed that I would share the gun with my son.  D agreed and said he would do it later.  I heard about the conversation and the hours progressed with me hearing nothing from D.  In the morning, D came up to me, and asked if we could share the gun.  There was no apology, so I told him that he could not have it back yet.  The next day, he apologized to me for thinking that I was not smart enough to put the gun together and for throwing away the art project.  I gave him back his gun, and he was thrilled and shot a few celebratory darts into the air.  I explained to him how he had hurt me when he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and when he wouldn’t ask for help.  I explained that a parent’s job is to love their kids and to teach them how to be good adults.  He hugged me and said he would try to do better next time. 

The whole scenario was a little insight into what my son has been through to this point in his life.  He has received little one-on-one instruction from his bio parents or during his time in foster care.  He was moved around a lot and never really felt settled enough to see parents in the role that I described above.  Foster care and adoption are not for everyone, and kids come with a variety of past experiences, but when you are able to gain a little insight and speak truth into their lives, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do.   

Waiting Some More...

The last post was meant to address the home study that I wrote about earlier.  This post gets us a bit more on track with our adoption journey.   When I left off with our journey we had just found out that our caseworker had submitted our home study for H&Z.  We had briefly met these kids and thought that they seemed sweet, but we literally knew nothing about them.  It’s funny that when you don’t know much about someone, your brain starts to fill in the details.  This can be dangerous, though, as we often tend to paint them in a light that doesn’t reflect their true selves. 

We waited until the end of April, which was nearly 3 months since the time that we met them.  About a month after our home study was submitted, we finally heard from June, our caseworker.  June informed us that we were in the top 3 families for the kids.  If you remember from a previous post, most families are not made aware unless they are the chosen family.  So, why were we notified, you might ask?  Well, we still had not met our current caseworker.  Yes, she had been our caseworker for a few months now and we had chatted over the phone and through email, but she had never met us or seen our home.  She said that at the upcoming meeting, each of the caseworkers would present their case for why they thought their particular family would be the best fit for H&Z.  She needed to get to know us in order to advocate for us to become the adoptive parents.

We scheduled a meeting with June for the following week.  Our excitement was building as we realized that these kids might actually become ours very soon.  June was warm and friendly, and honestly, a breath of fresh air, as we were beginning to feel a bit weary from the journey.  She told us that the kids were in pre-K and 4^th grade.  She also told us that D liked to play basketball and loved animals.  She shared that Z was a girly girl and that she loved to wear pretty dresses.  At the time of our home visit, she did not know very many specifics to share with us, but that was enough for us to start imagining what the future might hold.  June explained that it may be another 1-2 weeks before we heard if we were selected, so we should just try to wait patiently. 

Our excitement turned to slight panic as we realized how much our lives were about to change.  We tried not to assume that we would get selected, but it was hard not to when everything seemed to be pointing in that direction.  All along the way, we had been trying to pray about every decision, but now we were pleading with God for peace and wisdom.  My poor friends must have heard me babble on and on about these kids that I met so briefly, but thankfully, they were kind and helped keep me sane while we waited in a not-so-patient manner.