Adoption stories tug at my heart. And by tug, I mean they turn me into a weepy mess. The whole idea of seeing someone in need and finding a way to meet that need speaks to me at my core. It is beautiful, and it makes a great story. What more could you want?

When I was a teenager I began to be drawn to adoption for many reasons. Some were altruistic, but I am certain that if you were able to see into my heart, a part of me wanted to be someone’s rescuer be noticed for that act of rescuing. Being seen as selfless can really stroke our ego, which is quite ironic and dangerous. This is one reasons that I am thankful for the body of Christ.  I am humbled when I see folks who don’t adopt serving in incredibly selfless ways, as well as I see people who have adopted more children than me or children with special needs. 

Parents that adopt are some of my favorite people. I usually feel an instant bond with them in the same way that military folks are drawn together. We know what it truly means to be in the trenches, dealing with struggles that are unique to the adoptive relationship. We are used to people asking us repeatedly why we would ever choose to adopt a child that is “not our own”. We understand the confused stares that we get every time that we have a family outing. We understand that with kids that have joined our families through adoption (and potentially bio ones as well), there is so much just beneath the surface. Pain and heartache is a huge part of what made our families.

I say all that as a preface to these thoughts I have been having about my motivation to adopt. One of the main purposes of my blog is to help spur people toward adoption. It is what brings my heart tremendous joy. In all this encouraging, I feel like I need to confess that I have let the opinion of others steer me more than I would care to admit. Part of me swells with pride as I receive a pat on the back for adopting children. It makes me feel like I did something great.

So, I feel that it is necessary for adoptive parents as well as would-be adoptive parents to do some soul searching.  Please consider the following questions and give honest answers.

1                   1) What motivated me to adopt in the first place?

                     2) Would I still choose adoption if no one around me thought that it was admirable?

                     3)  Am I trying to be my child’s savior?

                     4)Am I okay with the idea that I alone cannot “fix” my child?

These questions have been giving me pause lately. My children have been through significant trauma and are struggling to catch up with their peers in many ways.  They are incredibly resilient, but there is still tremendous hurt just below the surface. No amount of hugs and kisses can heal their pain. They only act as band-aids, and no amount of band-aids can fix a gaping wound.

My kids, as well as most kids that have had their world turned upside down through displacement and adoption, need help from outside the family unit. When we first adopted, CPS required (and financially provided) for us to attend counseling every other week. The Christian counseling provided by our therapist helped us to learn how to cope with living together as a family. Everyone was struggling with the new way of life, but through our counselor’s guidance, that adjustment became much more enjoyable. A counselor provides a voice from outside the family to help speak truth, for which I am so thankful. 

Another important source of help from the outside is the support system. Our friends and family have been instrumental to helping our kids grow in so many ways. It is essential for any child to have trusted family and friends to turn to with concerns as well as embarrassing questions. We should ask our kids to choose someone they feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects. If that person is someone we trust, we should give our child our permission to do so. Although I think part of me would love to answer all his questions, I seriously doubt that my teenage son will come to me with his questions about sexuality.

Ultimately, we all need the healing that can come from Jesus alone. Long before we met our children, they were known by their Heavenly Father. They are precious to Him. I pray for my children every single day and I feel like this is the most important thing that I do for my children. I pray for wisdom in how to handle the difficult situations that come my way. I pray for patience to stay calm when frustrated. I pray for deep friendships for them that are good, positive influences. I pray that they learn to trust more and more. These prayers are not simply words spoken in vain. I am pleading for God to help me to make the most of this opportunity that I have been given to reflect Him. By God’s grace, I will be able to do just that.

As parents, our role is so important, but we cannot mistake that for being everything to our children. When we try to “save” or “fix” our kids in our own strength, we become overbearing and life is exponentially more stressful. When I play my part, when I trust God to transform my children, and I allow friends and families to be that support system, we see just how beautiful the story of adoption can truly be. 

Hair & Humility

Let me just start by saying that hair, especially African American hair, can be surprisingly divisive.  Heated arguments can spring up with this topic, so I hope that you read these words as me simply being open and honest about our road with adoption.  I want to be real and authentic and to let others know how they can prepare for this potential aspect of adoption.

I am a low-maintenance kind of girl.  I prefer the way that low-maintenance sounds over lazy and slightly disheveled.  My hair stays mostly in a ponytail and when, by chance, it is styled, I have exactly two styles: straightened and curled.  All that to say, when I found out we were adopting an African American girl, I was more than a little bit overwhelmed.

When my daughter moved in, her hair was in braids with extensions.  I thought that I had dodged a bullet and had some time before I had to do anything with her hair.  The kids’ caseworker, as well as our caseworker, both African American women, informed me in no uncertain terms that her hair needed some serious attention right away. 

I began to come to a tough realization that I couldn’t even tell when her hair was unacceptable.  Crap!  And, apparently I was not alone in this.  My Caucasian girl friends thought her hair was cute and 100% okay.  I felt defeated and I had not even started my journey as a parent. 

So I began to seek out help from my African American females friends.  Thank the Lord for them and their patience.  Sometimes I didn’t even know what questions to ask, but they helped me along the way.  They were kind and understanding.  They replied to frantic texts.  I cannot thank them enough.

I remember calling a dear friend to come help me take out her braids that first time.  She showed up at my house with a bag full of products and a wealth of knowledge.  She was so gentle and tender as she taught me how to wash my daughter’s hair, and I could almost cry when I think of how much that helped. 

An important part of adopting, especially when adopting from another race, is to practice humility.  There was so much to learn: from products to use, how often to do what, and how to style her hair.  It can be overwhelming, but you need to have a support network and you need to be humble enough to ask for their help.  Self-sufficiency and pride must be checked at the door.

And, a plead to the African American mamas (or biracial, etc.) out there who see us Caucasian mamas struggling.  Please offer us a helping hand…and PLEASE offer some encouragement.  You have had women along the way that helped you to learn, so please pay it forward.  We need to hear your advice and to learn from you, but we also need to hear we are doing okay.  We need to know that you are there as a resource.  Offer to do a friend’s daughter’s hair.  Take her to the beauty shop and help her to get comfortable.  Show her the salon or friend you use to do your hair.  All of these things mean so much to a novice.

I say all of things not to overwhelm, but rather to encourage.  The vast majority of the time, I do Z’s hair myself, mostly for the sake of time and cost.  If I can manage, I promise you can as well.  That time spent washing and styling hair can become a bonding time between mothers and daughters.  This does not mean every time is easy and effortless.  I learned early on that my daughter needs routine and she needs to know when her hair will be washed, how it will be styled, and how long it will take.  Structure and predictability are keys to success.

We pray that she knows that she is deeply loved and that her hair is not a burden, but rather a blessing from the Lord.  We pray that her hair is not the source of her beauty, but that her beauty comes from within.  We pray that our daughter learns to not only embrace, but to celebrate the hair that God has given her.  Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with such a precious child.  We are so thrilled to know her.

A great resource to check out:

www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action

This past week a horrible incident occurred in a Cincinnati zoo.  A young child wanted to get into an exhibit and was able to do so, seemingly with little struggle.  He fell a distance into a moat, where a 400-pound gorilla greeted him. 

This is the stuff of nightmares.  Not only are little kids fast, I am convinced most have a death wish.  Our sole job as parents is to try to keep them alive to their 10^th birthday.  Now, instead of your child running out of your sight at the park or getting too close to the lit stove, he is trapped…in an exhibit…with a super terrifying animal that could easily crush his skull with one blow. 

As probably all of you are aware, the zookeepers had to make what must have been a heartbreaking decision and kill this rare, beautiful animal.  Zoology experts like Jack Hanna agreed that this was the right decision as this animal was showing signs of aggression.  He was most likely not going to stop without seriously, and potentially fatally injuring the child.  Tragedy all around.

This horrific event reminded me of something so incredibly prevalent in our culture.  People were blasting all over social media about how terribly neglectful these parents were, and that CPS should be investigating them.

Ahh…the trump card…call CPS.  So many people felt that this family should have their children taken away from them for neglect.  While I don’t think this freak accident should warrant that, I think it shows something important lacking in our hearts.  We are quick to point blame and stand in accusation, but when a child ends up in need of a loving home, where are the same outspoken vigilantes of justice?  All too often, the most opinionated are nowhere to be found. 

Abortion is another area where you see a lot of talk, and very little action.  Let me explain:  While I think EVERY life has value and is significant to our Heavenly Father…I feel for the women that have to make this tough decision.  They hear people shouting, “DON’T HAVE AN ABORTION! People would LOVE to adopt your baby!”  And then when it comes down to it, many are unwilling to actually foster or adopt.  (There are of course awesome exceptions to this, but sadly they are rare.)

My heart breaks when I see kids in need of loving homes.  When I look at our kids that we adopted two years ago, I am overwhelmed with so many emotions.  We are blessed to be able to raise them.  They are precious, hilarious, and although not biologically related to us, they are remarkably similar to our family.  We can’t imagine life without those two.

So, to sum up this meandering blog…I implore you please put action and compassion to your thoughts and quit playing the blame game.  Life is tough enough without the whole world picking apart your every decision.  When you see someone doing something that offends/upsets/frustrates you, ask yourself, “What can I do about this to help bring glory to Jesus?”

Earnestly ask God for insight, and then obey.  Maybe God will call you to adopt.  Maybe He will call you to foster.  Maybe He will call you to volunteer.  But, I guarantee you that whatever He calls you to will be challenging and rewarding in a way that you can’t even imagine right now.

Our First Date

In the last post, we had just discovered that we were chosen to adopt H & Z.  We read their file and spoke to their foster parents.  This was getting real in a hurry.  Because it was almost the end of the school year, we set a move-in date and allowed for about a week or so to get to know the kids. 

Up until this point, the kids had not yet known that they were going to be adopted.  Without going into too much detail, our beautiful kids were told once before that they were going to be adopted, only to have it fall through in a most devastating manner.  Now, CPS was correctly trying to shield their emotions until we were 110% sure that we wanted to adopt.  A few days before our first “date” with the kids, they were told about the adoption and given our lifebook about our family.  Z was thrilled, and H was less than ecstatic (understandably so) until he found out we had dogs. 

Our caseworker sent us a photo of the kids with the lifebook and I seriously lost it.  I was at work, and kept tearing up.  These were our babies. They were 5 and 10 years old, and not biologically ours, but these were our babies nonetheless.

We met them the first time with the caseworker at the foster parents house.  We were told to bring a gift, so I brought the blankets I had made each of them.  We were bubbling over with excitement, but the kids were a little unsure about us.  That is until Z with all her friendliness (which as I am discovering now is a little too friendly at times) plopped herself right between me and my husband.  She held our hands, and all the tension began to melt away.  H was more reserved, but still warm toward us.  We left that night, and made plans to meet them for dinner at the end of the week. 

                                                                                                 

Someone Like You

After we finished our classes, there will still several small things to check off of our list.  We completed those around the end of January and received our license.  Our caseworker said that we should go to an event called the Heart Gallery. This event was to take place the first weekend in February and I was scheduled to work, but thankfully a friend took the shift for me.  I just had a feeling that we needed to be there.

Every year at Heart Gallery, many prospective adoptive parents are invited to come and hang out with children ages 5 and up that are legally free for adoption.   The idea is that you mingle with these kids and see if there are any “sparks”, which help to create an interest in adoption. There are tables where you can find out more information about the kids and speak to some caseworkers about the process.  CPS encourages parents to not spend too long talking to any particular child, but to chat for a bit and then move on to another child.  It is a strange, but wonderful activity.  My husband jokingly referred to it as speed dating for adoption. 

The younger kids just think the day is a fun festival—they can play games, color, win prizes and dance.  The older kids have figured out that this may be one of their last chances to get adopted and they try to make themselves more marketable.   After we got our lunch, we looked for a place to sit down.  A 16-year-old girl named Jamie smiled at us and waved and we felt like we should sit down with her.  Jamie was beautiful and polite and very set on trying to sell herself to us.  We had already determined that 10 years old was the oldest age that we were open to.  While my heart broke into pieces for this girl, we knew that it was important to stick to the boundaries that we had set and prayed about.  It has been almost 2 years since that day and I still pray that God gave her the perfect forever family.

After lunch, we wandered around and watched the kids playing together.  We saw these two young siblings coloring and decided to join them.  Phil talked with the little boy, who was 10-years-old, about basketball and LeBron James.  I talked to the little girl, who was 5, about cartoons and watched her color these little coloring sheets.  After she colored each page for exactly 10 seconds, she had me help her put them into her drawstring backpack that she got earlier in the day.  They were so sweet and so tiny, and we went to get more information on them.  A caseworker gave us a piece of paper with their photo and their names on it (and the girl’s name was misspelled). 

We went home and immediately emailed our caseworker about our interest in these kids.  We stuck their photo on our fridge and I showed it to friends and family as if these were already our children.  For those that don’t know me, I am a sharer.  As soon as I have good news, I want everyone to know.  I tend to rush into things as mentioned in an earlier post, and although I had still heard nothing from our caseworker, I really felt like these were “our kids”.  After waiting a week without a response from our caseworker, we emailed again.  We contacted CPS and found out that our caseworker had left the agency.  This occurrence is not uncommon in this type of work, as rates of burnout are exceptionally high, but it left us pretty bummed out.  So, we waited patiently (well, maybe not all that patiently) until we were assigned a new caseworker. 

To be continued…

For more information about adopting teens

https://adoption.com/whats-the-point-of-adopting-a-17-year-old-kid

Also, some statistics (credit: https://msw.usc.edu/mswusc-blog/adoption-infographic/)

Decisions

I thought it necessary to get a little more in-depth about some things mentioned in the last post.  When looking to work with Child Protective Services child placement, you must decide whether to foster only, adopt only, or foster-to-adopt.  At this particular meeting, the CPS worker was really pushing for foster-to-adopt.  Just to be clear, all of the above choices are right and good, but you must decide what is best for you and your family.  My husband and I decided that we were only open to adopting. 

Around this time, I had a dear friend who had three different adoptive placements fall through for various reasons.  Understandably, it took quite a toll on her and left me pretty shaken as well.  I have also had many more friends who adopted their foster kids since then, and statistically speaking this is far more likely to happen.  Just be prepared that you have to choose a route early on.  Adoption through CPS (I can only speak for the state of Texas) is always free (yay!).  In addition to this if you adopt any child over the age of 6, any African American child over the age of 2 (due to the high volume of AA children in CPS), or any child with a diagnosed physical or mental disability, the child qualifies for other financial assistance.

Another topic I mentioned in the last post was a preferences packet that we were required to fill out stating what kinds of children we were open to.  For those that do not know me, I am at times far too emotionally-driven.  I think that it is my job to single-handedly fix any problem that breaks my heart, but my follow-through is often lacking.  This is where God graciously gave me a husband to create balance.  He reminds me that sometimes we should start small before making huge life-long commitments.  I would have probably checked that I was open to any number of children, with any kind of issue, without thinking through any logistics or even bothering to pray about it.  It is not my job to be the savior of CPS, but it is my job to honor God with my time, my house, my life.