Adoption stories tug at my heart. And by tug, I mean they
turn me into a weepy mess. The whole idea of seeing someone in need and finding
a way to meet that need speaks to me at my core. It is beautiful, and it makes
a great story. What more could you want?
When I was a teenager I began to be drawn to adoption for
many reasons. Some were altruistic, but I am certain that if you were able to
see into my heart, a part of me wanted to be someone’s rescuer be noticed for that
act of rescuing. Being seen as selfless can really stroke our ego, which is
quite ironic and dangerous. This is one reasons that I am thankful for the body
of Christ. I am humbled when I see folks
who don’t adopt serving in incredibly selfless ways, as well as I see people
who have adopted more children than me or children with special needs.
Parents that adopt are some of my favorite people. I usually
feel an instant bond with them in the same way that military folks are drawn
together. We know what it truly means to be in the trenches, dealing with
struggles that are unique to the adoptive relationship. We are used to people
asking us repeatedly why we would ever choose to adopt a child that is “not our
own”. We understand the confused stares that we get every time that we have a
family outing. We understand that with kids that have joined our families
through adoption (and potentially bio ones as well), there is so much just
beneath the surface. Pain and heartache is a huge part of what made our
families.
I say all that as a preface to these thoughts I have been
having about my motivation to adopt. One of the main purposes of my blog is to
help spur people toward adoption. It is what brings my heart tremendous joy. In
all this encouraging, I feel like I need to confess that I have let the opinion
of others steer me more than I would care to admit. Part of me swells with
pride as I receive a pat on the back for adopting children. It makes me feel
like I did something great.
So, I feel that it is necessary for adoptive parents as well
as would-be adoptive parents to do some soul searching. Please consider the following questions and
give honest answers.
1 1) What motivated me to adopt in the first place?
2) Would I still choose adoption if no one around
me thought that it was admirable?
3) Am I trying to be my child’s savior?
4)Am I okay with the idea that I alone cannot
“fix” my child?
These questions have been giving me pause lately. My
children have been through significant trauma and are struggling to catch up
with their peers in many ways. They are
incredibly resilient, but there is still tremendous hurt just below the
surface. No amount of hugs and kisses can heal their pain. They only act as
band-aids, and no amount of band-aids can fix a gaping wound.
My kids, as well as most kids that have had their world
turned upside down through displacement and adoption, need help from outside
the family unit. When we first adopted, CPS required (and financially provided)
for us to attend counseling every other week. The Christian counseling provided
by our therapist helped us to learn how to cope with living together as a
family. Everyone was struggling with the new way of life, but through our
counselor’s guidance, that adjustment became much more enjoyable. A counselor
provides a voice from outside the family to help speak truth, for which I am so
thankful.
Another important source of help from the outside is the
support system. Our friends and family have been instrumental to helping our
kids grow in so many ways. It is essential for any child to have trusted family
and friends to turn to with concerns as well as embarrassing questions. We
should ask our kids to choose someone they feel comfortable talking to about difficult
subjects. If that person is someone we trust, we should give our child our
permission to do so. Although I think part of me would love to answer all his
questions, I seriously doubt that my teenage son will come to me with his
questions about sexuality.
Ultimately, we all need the healing that can come from Jesus
alone. Long before we met our children, they were known by their Heavenly
Father. They are precious to Him. I pray for my children every single day and I
feel like this is the most important thing that I do for my children. I pray
for wisdom in how to handle the difficult situations that come my way. I pray
for patience to stay calm when frustrated. I pray for deep friendships for them
that are good, positive influences. I pray that they learn to trust more and
more. These prayers are not simply words spoken in vain. I am pleading for God
to help me to make the most of this opportunity that I have been given to
reflect Him. By God’s grace, I will be able to do just that.
As parents, our role is so important, but we cannot mistake
that for being everything to our children. When we try to “save” or “fix” our
kids in our own strength, we become overbearing and life is exponentially more
stressful. When I play my part, when I trust God to transform my children, and
I allow friends and families to be that support system, we see just how beautiful
the story of adoption can truly be.
