If you have been watching the Olympics (who hasn’t, really?) then you know about the one and only Simone Biles.  This girl is nothing short of amazing.  She is flawlessly nailing passes that other Olympic athletes won’t even attempt.  It makes my Houstonian heart proud to watch her slay these Olympic games.

I am however a bit perturbed when I see so much focus going to her early childhood, to her biological mother who was a “drug addict” that “abandoned” her to her grandparents, which graciously took her in.  What annoys me is that this is not the narrative that she wants told.  She had a rough start, but she has parents that love her unconditionally and helped her to achieve this nearly impossible goal.  That’s her story.  She worked her butt off, had amazing support and now she’s killing it.

I’m sure Simone is not ashamed of her roots, but an unconventional childhood should not allow the media to exploit her story for the sake of ratings.   Most certainly her story would not be one of a vilified birth mother, saintly adoptive parents and poor, helpless kids caught in the mix.  Lord knows adoptive parents have just as many flaws and neurosis as their biological counterparts, and her mother is more than simply a drug addict.

Our culture has a weird fascination with adoption.  We think it is our right to know ALL the details behind an adoption, and that is simply not the case.  Reliving the trauma that led up to the separation from one’s biological parents may be too difficult for some adoptees. 

This is not another blog that is simply meant to shame the reader into sensitivity.  Rather, my hope is to open your eyes to what adoption really looks like and how you can be a part of changing the lives of one or more kids forever.  I would love to see people moved from pity to mercy.

This morning I asked my kids what they wanted people to know about adoption.  My 7-year-old daughter said, “That it’s good, and that I love my parents”.  My 12-year-old son said, “People should adopt, because without adoption kids go without love and eventually become homeless”. 

Adoption is simple.  It is about being moved to love and provide for a child.  Adoptive parents are not superheroes.  We are regular people who couldn’t bear the thought of a child being without love.

Parenting in general is hard, and dealing with the extra baggage of a complicated past makes it even more so, but know that there is help.  Our kids go to counseling 1-2 times per month to help deal with the wounds of their past.  Our family and friends “lean in” and help us tremendously, because it truly does take a village.

The tough spots are worth it, though.  When I see my son excelling in sports, I think of how exciting it is to see how far they have come.  When I see my daughter pray for hurting people to be healed by God, I am reminded of how fortunate we are to be their parents.  Adopting has changed my perspective and world view and helped to open the eyes of our circle of influence. 

So, in summation, please be sensitive when asking adopted kids/adults about their history.  Curiosity does not entitle you to know the details of someone’s past.  But, even more importantly, don’t just pity this situation: consider how you can show mercy and change lives.  Be open to fostering and adoption.  Move from being a bystander to being a part of the action.  This is an adventure that will change many lives forever.

If you have any questions about the adoption/fostering journey, please send me a message.  I do not have all the answers, but I can hopefully point you to helpful resources.  Thanks for reading. 

Smile for the Camera!

I love Pinterest… and I hate Pinterest at the same time.  Growing up, a birthday party might entail a group trip to Chuck E Cheese if I was lucky, but usually was nothing more than a cake and a sleepover with a few friends.  Somewhere between my childhood and present day, birthdays transformed into a magical, stressful production.  One of my dearest friends always does the most amazing parties for her kids and she loves it all.  She has boundless creativity and birthdays are where she really shines. 

I don’t write this to be critical of birthday productions, but just to show my state of mind surrounding D’s first birthday in our home. 

I love parties and Pinterest, and I wanted his party to be perfect.  We planned for weeks and invited tons of people.  All the details were taken care of, and I was ready to sit back and enjoy the party. 

Everyone was having a good time, and then it was time for presents… and there were tons of them.  I was excited for D to see how much the people around him cared about him.

He opened the first one (an awesome Lego set from a family member), gave a half-smile, then moved on to the next gift.  WHAT!?  I wanted to scream!  Where was the gratitude… the excitement… the emotion?  I nudged him and told him to say thank you, which he did.  Whew! Crisis averted. 

Next gift.  A wrestling figurine.  Same response!  These were two of his favorite types of toys… things that he had been begging us for.  I knew he wanted them, so why was he so dissatisfied?  We kept prompting him to express gratitude after EVERY SINGLE GIFT. 

Nothing in my CPS classes or books that I had read prepared me for this moment.  I replayed the whole scenario and began to get some insight.  I once read a blog by Jen Hatmaker where she talked about how big days were often too much for her little one.  I wasn’t thinking about how important days remind you of family and other special days.  Each birthday and major holiday brought back memories of previous ones… ones with his biological parents.  It reminded him of who was missing this special day.

It was all coming together.  He was being flooded with memories of his bio parents and it was putting a serious damper on the whole party business.  We made it through the party and came up with a new plan for future birthdays.  Big parties were done… at least for now.  We decided that it would be best to go to an event like a concert or sporting event with family and maybe 1 or 2 friends rather than have a party.  This cuts down on the gifts, but is easier for everyone.  And so far, it has worked. 

I get weird looks when I tell people that we aren’t doing a traditional birthday party… but at this point I am pretty used to weird looks.  Celebrating this day is not about my picture of what a perfect birthday should look like.  It is about giving my kid an extra special day, but most importantly reminding them that we are there for them, no matter what.