Oh, man. I know it
sounds cliché, but I knew so much about parenting before I actually became a
parent. I could have written books with
all the knowledge that I had gleaned from years of being a mentor, counselor,
and youth worker. My husband and I were
married for nearly 7 years before we adopted and had talked through many of the
scenarios that we were certain would come up once children came into the
picture.
While it is fun to daydream and play out those scenarios,
almost none of these situations have come up in actual parenting. I am convinced that is to keep us
humble. I would never have admitted it,
but I had parenting pride even though I had not yet become a parent.
When our kids moved in, I treated it like we were at a youth
retreat with new students. I was
friendly, funny, warm and tried to get them to feel comfortable. That is all well and good, but that is not
the best way that we should approach parenting.
The first time that a discipline issue arose, I panicked and deferred to
my husband. I liked being the “cool
parent”, the laid back one, the one that fixed situations with wise words and
reason. Turns out, that doesn’t always
work out the way we think it will.
Please hear me out.
The wisdom that I gained from experience in ministry and through
studying God’s word truly was useful for training our kids in righteousness. We had to rely on God’s spirit to give us
wisdom to take those general principles and apply them to meet the specific needs
of each situation.
Our adoption classes and experiences failed to teach us how
to deal with our son’s fantasized version of his parents. Having read their files, we knew the truth
and it was far from what my son thought.
How should we help bring a child back to reality and speak truth, but
not defame his birth mother?
Unfortunately, we didn’t exactly know.
We explained that every one of our choices has long and
lasting consequences. But, this is where
our counselor was able to offer assistance. We still take our kids every few
weeks to meet with a Christian therapist even though CPS no longer requires
it. She has an incredible way with words
and has a unique ability to help bring about understanding. Despite what I would wish for, most parenting
issues are not solved in a single conversation, but through years of
consistency and modeling.
My husband and I are both growing as parents. We strive to model Jesus, but generally fall
VERY short of that. We were each
fortunate enough to have amazing parents, who always seemed to know the answer
and what to do in every situation. Then
it began to dawn on me one day, were they simply faking it? Our parents seem so wise and experienced, but
maybe they were just winging it. This
thought was rocking my world.
So, what did this planner/people pleaser do? I began to
learn to trust more and more in my Heavenly Father to give me wisdom and
guidance. I also learned that every
parent out there (for the most part) is trying to raise their best kids that
they can. We all fall short. EVERY. LAST. ONE.
This profound thought can either overwhelm or empower. I try to choose to take that extra moment before
speaking, take a deep breath in and ask God for help. And surprisingly (well, not really), God
provides.
I pray that as you consider entering this road less
traveled, you enter with caution and humility.
Find a support network, spend serious time in prayer, learn from more
experienced parents, and most importantly understand that when (not if) you
fail, you join the ranks of every other parent ever. Pray for God’s forgiveness and ask your child
for forgiveness as well. In order to be
used by God for big things, He must increase and we must decrease.
