Adoption stories tug at my heart. And by tug, I mean they turn me into a weepy mess. The whole idea of seeing someone in need and finding a way to meet that need speaks to me at my core. It is beautiful, and it makes a great story. What more could you want?

When I was a teenager I began to be drawn to adoption for many reasons. Some were altruistic, but I am certain that if you were able to see into my heart, a part of me wanted to be someone’s rescuer be noticed for that act of rescuing. Being seen as selfless can really stroke our ego, which is quite ironic and dangerous. This is one reasons that I am thankful for the body of Christ.  I am humbled when I see folks who don’t adopt serving in incredibly selfless ways, as well as I see people who have adopted more children than me or children with special needs. 

Parents that adopt are some of my favorite people. I usually feel an instant bond with them in the same way that military folks are drawn together. We know what it truly means to be in the trenches, dealing with struggles that are unique to the adoptive relationship. We are used to people asking us repeatedly why we would ever choose to adopt a child that is “not our own”. We understand the confused stares that we get every time that we have a family outing. We understand that with kids that have joined our families through adoption (and potentially bio ones as well), there is so much just beneath the surface. Pain and heartache is a huge part of what made our families.

I say all that as a preface to these thoughts I have been having about my motivation to adopt. One of the main purposes of my blog is to help spur people toward adoption. It is what brings my heart tremendous joy. In all this encouraging, I feel like I need to confess that I have let the opinion of others steer me more than I would care to admit. Part of me swells with pride as I receive a pat on the back for adopting children. It makes me feel like I did something great.

So, I feel that it is necessary for adoptive parents as well as would-be adoptive parents to do some soul searching.  Please consider the following questions and give honest answers.

1                   1) What motivated me to adopt in the first place?

                     2) Would I still choose adoption if no one around me thought that it was admirable?

                     3)  Am I trying to be my child’s savior?

                     4)Am I okay with the idea that I alone cannot “fix” my child?

These questions have been giving me pause lately. My children have been through significant trauma and are struggling to catch up with their peers in many ways.  They are incredibly resilient, but there is still tremendous hurt just below the surface. No amount of hugs and kisses can heal their pain. They only act as band-aids, and no amount of band-aids can fix a gaping wound.

My kids, as well as most kids that have had their world turned upside down through displacement and adoption, need help from outside the family unit. When we first adopted, CPS required (and financially provided) for us to attend counseling every other week. The Christian counseling provided by our therapist helped us to learn how to cope with living together as a family. Everyone was struggling with the new way of life, but through our counselor’s guidance, that adjustment became much more enjoyable. A counselor provides a voice from outside the family to help speak truth, for which I am so thankful. 

Another important source of help from the outside is the support system. Our friends and family have been instrumental to helping our kids grow in so many ways. It is essential for any child to have trusted family and friends to turn to with concerns as well as embarrassing questions. We should ask our kids to choose someone they feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects. If that person is someone we trust, we should give our child our permission to do so. Although I think part of me would love to answer all his questions, I seriously doubt that my teenage son will come to me with his questions about sexuality.

Ultimately, we all need the healing that can come from Jesus alone. Long before we met our children, they were known by their Heavenly Father. They are precious to Him. I pray for my children every single day and I feel like this is the most important thing that I do for my children. I pray for wisdom in how to handle the difficult situations that come my way. I pray for patience to stay calm when frustrated. I pray for deep friendships for them that are good, positive influences. I pray that they learn to trust more and more. These prayers are not simply words spoken in vain. I am pleading for God to help me to make the most of this opportunity that I have been given to reflect Him. By God’s grace, I will be able to do just that.

As parents, our role is so important, but we cannot mistake that for being everything to our children. When we try to “save” or “fix” our kids in our own strength, we become overbearing and life is exponentially more stressful. When I play my part, when I trust God to transform my children, and I allow friends and families to be that support system, we see just how beautiful the story of adoption can truly be. 

Grandparents Rock

My 13-year-old son had a band concert the other night.  He has been playing percussion for the last two years and has come a long way.  I didn’t find out about the concert until the night before, at which time I told my parents and my in-laws. 

I fully expected them to have something else that they had to do, since this was so last minute.  To my surprise, both sets of grandparents drove across town to see their grandson’s six-minute concert band performance. 

We are thankful for the parents we have, but our kids truly hit the jackpot with these grandparents.  They take them on special play dates, have them over to spend the night, and let them pretty much go nuts.  They love to share the stories from their childhood, and our kids soak it up. 

Rewind a few years, and I did not dream that this tight of a bond would develop.  You see, these same parents cautioned us about adoption, specifically concerning adopting older kids.  They really wanted us to have babies, probably because everybody just loves babies. 

Those days seem a million years ago now. When I see my kids run to greet their grandparents, I know that this is family.  I think it probably even surprises the grandparents how much they can love these kids.  I mean, they are not biologically related to them, they came to the family half-grown, and look nothing like the family.  It’s a special heartwarming moment when I see hearts that had a bit of (understandable) trepidation toward adoption embrace those very same kids. 

Adoption is truly a beautiful gift of God and I am so thankful for it.  It provides me with glimpses of the amazing heart of our Heavenly Father.  He sees us looking so unlike Him, but nonetheless He seeks us out and draws us in.  He loves us and over time, if we allow it and abide in Him, we begin to look more like Him than we could have ever imagined.  Everyone is afraid of becoming like their parents.  I hope and pray that I am able to demonstrate love and treasure my grandkids half as well as my parents and in-laws have.

Back in the Saddle Again

I’ve been feeling stuck for a while now.  I have gone from feeling passionate about blogging, to feeling interested in anything but blogging, to feeling very conflicted about sharing anything at all online.  This left me paralyzed in a sense, and it was a terrible place to live. 

We need to hear the stories of others.  When we open ourselves up to living through an experience with someone else, we are often changed by it.  It may give us courage to see how ordinary people can be used in extraordinary ways.  It may give us pause and help us to anticipate possible pitfalls.  But most importantly, it connects us. 

Sharing this adoption journey has been deeply profound for me and I have loved doing so.  I am incredibly humbled when I sit at the dinner table every night and realize that I get to hear the highlights of my kids’ days and be easily and effortlessly called “mom”.  My hope is to give the reader a small glimpse of the highs and the lows that have been a part of our adoption journey.

It’s really tough, though.  I want to be completely transparent and authentic, but sometimes I feel like these stories are not mine to tell.  Behind every lesson learned is a difficult journey that may include private details that my kids may or may not want shared.  At times I think, “What would my kids think if they read my blog”?  Would they feel their representation is accurate?  Would they feel I changed the details to make the story say what I wanted it to say? 

Another detail that makes our situation every more sensitive is the fact that their biological parents may be out there reading this blog.  Although that scenario is highly unlikely, it often crosses my mind and affects me more than I care to say.

Sorry to work all these details out in this format, but I believe I may not be alone in this feeling.  Others in the online community experience a tension walking the line between giving insight into our lives and over-sharing.  If I am putting something out for others to read I want to actually say something that matters.

So, what is the point of this blog post, you may ask?  Just to let you know that I am trying to get back to writing and I hope that I can, in that, warm a few hearts to the idea of adoption.

You guys have seriously been the greatest.  Your love, your support, and your encouragement mean more than I can say.  Thanks for sticking with me.  You are wonderful.

How Adoption Changed Me- Part 2- What (I Think) I Know About Parenting

Oh, man.  I know it sounds cliché, but I knew so much about parenting before I actually became a parent.  I could have written books with all the knowledge that I had gleaned from years of being a mentor, counselor, and youth worker.  My husband and I were married for nearly 7 years before we adopted and had talked through many of the scenarios that we were certain would come up once children came into the picture. 

While it is fun to daydream and play out those scenarios, almost none of these situations have come up in actual parenting.  I am convinced that is to keep us humble.  I would never have admitted it, but I had parenting pride even though I had not yet become a parent.

When our kids moved in, I treated it like we were at a youth retreat with new students.  I was friendly, funny, warm and tried to get them to feel comfortable.  That is all well and good, but that is not the best way that we should approach parenting.  The first time that a discipline issue arose, I panicked and deferred to my husband.  I liked being the “cool parent”, the laid back one, the one that fixed situations with wise words and reason.  Turns out, that doesn’t always work out the way we think it will.

Please hear me out.  The wisdom that I gained from experience in ministry and through studying God’s word truly was useful for training our kids in righteousness.  We had to rely on God’s spirit to give us wisdom to take those general principles and apply them to meet the specific needs of each situation.

Our adoption classes and experiences failed to teach us how to deal with our son’s fantasized version of his parents.  Having read their files, we knew the truth and it was far from what my son thought.  How should we help bring a child back to reality and speak truth, but not defame his birth mother?  Unfortunately, we didn’t exactly know. 

We explained that every one of our choices has long and lasting consequences.  But, this is where our counselor was able to offer assistance. We still take our kids every few weeks to meet with a Christian therapist even though CPS no longer requires it.  She has an incredible way with words and has a unique ability to help bring about understanding.  Despite what I would wish for, most parenting issues are not solved in a single conversation, but through years of consistency and modeling. 

My husband and I are both growing as parents.  We strive to model Jesus, but generally fall VERY short of that.  We were each fortunate enough to have amazing parents, who always seemed to know the answer and what to do in every situation.  Then it began to dawn on me one day, were they simply faking it?  Our parents seem so wise and experienced, but maybe they were just winging it.  This thought was rocking my world. 

So, what did this planner/people pleaser do? I began to learn to trust more and more in my Heavenly Father to give me wisdom and guidance.  I also learned that every parent out there (for the most part) is trying to raise their best kids that they can.  We all fall short.  EVERY. LAST. ONE. 

This profound thought can either overwhelm or empower.  I try to choose to take that extra moment before speaking, take a deep breath in and ask God for help.  And surprisingly (well, not really), God provides. 

I pray that as you consider entering this road less traveled, you enter with caution and humility.  Find a support network, spend serious time in prayer, learn from more experienced parents, and most importantly understand that when (not if) you fail, you join the ranks of every other parent ever.  Pray for God’s forgiveness and ask your child for forgiveness as well.  In order to be used by God for big things, He must increase and we must decrease. 

How Adoption Changed Me--Part 1

How Adoption Changed Me—Part I

So, if you have been reading this blog for any period of time, you know that a little over 2 years ago, my husband and I adopted two siblings from CPS and our lives changed forever.  Everyone tells you parenthood will change you, and they are most definitely not lying.  What people don’t tell you (and really, they can’t) is how it will change you specifically.  In a series of blogs, I want to share with you a few of the ways that adoption changed me.

Adoption changed the way that I spend my time.  When I worked as a nurse, I had a varying schedule where I might get several days off during the week.  Those were MY days.  I would frequently get together for lunch with friends, take long naps, watch copious amounts of Project Runway, and just generally relax.  If I had a few days off in row, we may even take a road trip. 

Those days are over.  Now, I attend practices, tournaments, ARD meetings, speech therapy sessions, fight crowds for school supplies, and play an infinite number of board games.  (Seriously, does any one else’s kids obsess over UNO or mancala, or is it just mine?

Adoption also changed the way that I feel about bedtimes.  Growing up, I was never given much of a bedtime.  I have amazing parents, but bedtimes were never really stressed.  I never told my parents, but I frequently struggled to stay awake at school, and that was probably why. 

When we adopted our kids, they were each on several medications for ADHD that had some serious side effects.  We wanted to do everything in our power to try to get them off of these medications, which included making sure that our kids got plenty of rest and had a healthy diet.  We also prayed for them a lot.  Thankfully, they no longer require medications and don’t have conduct issues at school.  But every time I tell friends when my kids go to sleep, I feel like they think I am a weirdo. 

I am a firm believer that kids need lots of sleep.  The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees. In fact, our kids often turn into emotional wrecks without adequate sleep.  There is yelling, outbursts, and lots of tears.  So, for the emotional well being of our family, we don’t skimp on sleep.

I realize that bedtimes and loss of personal time are not unique to adoption.  What is unique is all the baggage that adoption adds to the normal struggle.  When we adopted, our oldest was starting 5^th grade and our youngest was about to start kindergarten.  We did not realize the toll that moving so many times and living with families that did not provide structure and educational support had taken on them.  My son’s peers were far ahead of him with their multiplication tables and reading comprehension.  Our daughter’s peers were already reading and writing, and she could not even recognize her letters. 

Homework may be a struggle for many families, but with families of adoptive kids, it is even more so.  What should take the average student 20 minutes may last more than an hour for our kids.  Sometimes I can’t believe when they have never heard of some basic word or concept, but then I remember all that they have been through and all that they have missed.  I have spent countless hours at our kitchen table going over concepts that were missed or not understood.  I feel like a large part of my job as an adoptive parent is what Joel spoke about in restoring the years that the locusts have eaten.

Adopting older kids is challenging.  There will be places along the journey, where you will feel that this road is just too tough.  Sometimes we have to let go of expectations that may have been unrealistic and perhaps self-serving.  Sometimes we will be blown away by their incredible resiliency and rapid growth.  But most of the time, you will just catch a glimpse of those amazing, beautiful kids playing UNO with you and thank God that you are blessed to be their parent.