Recently my son received a gift from a family member that he
was excited about. At the time, he was under
discipline, and as such the gift sat in a closet. Honestly, I ended up forgetting about it. While hanging out at the house one day, he
asked if he could have it and I told him that was fine. It was a pretty awesome Nerf gun that needed
some assembly.
Elated, he took the gun to his room to follow the directions
and complete the assembly. He brought
the gun back to me in the box about 10 minutes later and reported that it was
broken.
Me: How did you break it?
D: I didn’t break it.
It just doesn’t work.
Me: Are you sure?
D: Yes.
Me: Are you sure that you don’t just need a little help?
D: Yes, I’m sure. I
followed the directions and it doesn’t work.
Me: Okay, well what
would you like me to do with it?
D: I don’t care. It’s
broken. You can throw it away if you
want, because it’s trash.
Me: I don’t think
that I’ll throw it away yet. If I can
put it together and it works, do you care if I keep it?
D: (Exasperated) I don’t care, because it’s broken.
This is not the first time that my son has called something
broken that simply needed repair or reworking.
I reminded him of this and he said that was not the situation. So, a few minutes later I set to work
following the same instructions that he had followed, and in about 6 minutes
assembled a pretty amazing Nerf gun. I
went into his room to show him and to shoot him with the awesome darts because
I am a mature mom like that. I sat and
talked to him for a few minutes about why asking for help is so important and
how it helps us to not miss out on incredible opportunities. I also told him that I was going to keep the
gun since he said I could have the gun that was “trash”.
We went about our business of the day and he seemed to be
acting strange. I thought he just wanted
to play in his room, but as the day progressed, he started to seem
depressed. I got out art stuff (he is
the artist of the family), thinking that would bring him out of his slump and
made him come work us on something I knew he would enjoy. He schlepped through it for about 5 minutes
then threw it in the trash without my knowledge. I sent a text to my husband and a friend
asking for prayer because something was wrong.
It took me longer than I would like to admit to make the
connection between our earlier conversation and his change in behavior. Actually, my husband made the connection, and
it all started to come together. Living
in foster care, my son has learned a tremendous amount of independence and
self-reliance. It is crazy to think that
at the tender age of 10 when we adopted him that he had determined that it was
wisest for him to figure everything out on his own and trust no one, and that
it was better to miss out on really neat stuff than to let anyone know he
needed help.
This mindset was more complicated than simply feeling like there
was no one that he could trust. He wanted
to see what he could accomplish on his own so that he could say that he did it
by himself. While this may seem like a
good thing, it was really hindering him in a lot of areas in his life. He needed a lot of help, as his parents we
wanted to help, but he just did not want to ask for it, and as such it left him
at a disadvantage.
Later on, my husband talked to him about humility and pride,
and what had happened earlier in the day.
My husband suggested that if D apologized, my husband truly believed
that I would share the gun with my son.
D agreed and said he would do it later.
I heard about the conversation and the hours progressed with me hearing
nothing from D. In the morning, D came
up to me, and asked if we could share the gun.
There was no apology, so I told him that he could not have it back yet. The next day, he apologized to me for
thinking that I was not smart enough to put the gun together and for throwing
away the art project. I gave him back
his gun, and he was thrilled and shot a few celebratory darts into the air. I explained to him how he had hurt me when he
wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and when he wouldn’t ask for help. I explained that a parent’s job is to love
their kids and to teach them how to be good adults. He hugged me and said he would try to do
better next time.
The whole scenario was a little insight into what my son has
been through to this point in his life.
He has received little one-on-one instruction from his bio parents or
during his time in foster care. He was
moved around a lot and never really felt settled enough to see parents in the
role that I described above. Foster care
and adoption are not for everyone, and kids come with a variety of past
experiences, but when you are able to gain a little insight and speak truth
into their lives, it is the most rewarding thing you will ever do.
