I realize that this is a departure from our adoption
journey, but I feel that it must be said.
A common theme that is pervasive in articles posted to social media is
lists of things you should never say to a parent of one child, a parent of
multiples, a working mother, a stay at home mother, etc. I often try to read these articles to
familiarize myself with ways I may be unintentionally offensive. However, the other side to this issue is that we
must try to not be so thin-skinned. What
I mean is we should attempt to see the heart behind what was said, rather than focusing
on the poor phrasing or word choice that was used. This does not give license to simply say
whatever pops in our head and be immediately forgiven of any harm that it causes.
Examples work best for me, so let me share some potentially
hurtful things people have said to me concerning adoption, and how I try to
interpret these words in the best way possible.
11)
Don’t you
want any of your OWN children? Or slightly reworded: Do you have any of your own children?
This hurts many adoptive parents because
each road to adoption is so deeply personal.
There may be fertility issues, there may be financial issues, or it may
simply be something that they feel called to do. The parents will share this information if
they feel that you should to know it. If
someone feels called to adopt, get excited for her because she is helping to
make one less orphan.
As an adoptive parent, I don’t get offended
by this one. I know these are my kids
that I worked super hard for. I chose
them and did everything that I had to do to bring them home. I take this opportunity to educate my friends
and family that these are my own
kids. No need to spew hateful
statements.
22)
You know,
many of these kids are “messed up” from birth based on genetics.
This has totally been said to me, multiple
times and I still internally scream a bit.
Messed up? Seriously?! Depending on the situation, I want to say,
“And your bio kids are SO great?”. But alas,
I am a Christian and cannot say such words.
I really shouldn’t think them, but hey, God is still working on me.
Anyway, try to get at the heart behind the
comment. Your friend or family member is
saying this journey will be really tough… are you prepared? This is something every potential
foster/adoptive parent must assess. Am I
ready? Do I have a correct view of what
parenting will be like? Do I have a good
support system? Have I truly counted the
cost? If you are called to adoption,
please understand, these kids come with baggage. I forget sometimes that my kids have gone
through serious hurt in their years before we met. It has not been easy, but few things that are
truly valuable come without a struggle.
33)
Don’t you
know that you will never love these children like you would love a biological
child?
This one is particularly interesting to
me. Is there some way to quantify
love? I am unaware of any such
tool. In addition, I have known plenty
of biological parents who “loved” their kids, but put their addictions ahead of
the needs of their families. Similarly,
let us not forget that the reason many of these children are up for adoption is
that their biological parents neglected or abused them. Being a biological parent most certainly does
not make you love someone more. We chose
each day who we will demonstrate love to.
God’s power working through me allows me to love in tremendous ways.
Now, how should we as adoptive parents see
the heart behind this statement? I feel
that what this person is really saying is that they love their biological child
in a deep and unexplainable way. They
may feel that it would be really tough to love someone outside of their family
that much. Thank that friend for their
concern, but let me tell you from experience, I love my kids. I do not have biological kids to do a
side-by-side comparison with, but I guarantee you that I love them in a way
that I never thought possible. I’m sure
that there are differences with bio kids, but I find that unimportant when I
look into the precious faces of my children and thank God that He entrusted me
to care for them.
There are more of these phrases, which I would like to
explore later, but for now, I will simply thank God for concerned friends and
family. They care about us and want what
is best for us, even if they have trouble articulating it. Adoption may be weird to those that do not
feel called to it, but I have always rather enjoyed being a weirdo.
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