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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I realize that this is a departure from our adoption journey, but I feel that it must be said.  A common theme that is pervasive in articles posted to social media is lists of things you should never say to a parent of one child, a parent of multiples, a working mother, a stay at home mother, etc.  I often try to read these articles to familiarize myself with ways I may be unintentionally offensive.  However, the other side to this issue is that we must try to not be so thin-skinned.  What I mean is we should attempt to see the heart behind what was said, rather than focusing on the poor phrasing or word choice that was used.  This does not give license to simply say whatever pops in our head and be immediately forgiven of any harm that it causes. 

Examples work best for me, so let me share some potentially hurtful things people have said to me concerning adoption, and how I try to interpret these words in the best way possible. 

11)   Don’t you want any of your OWN children? Or slightly reworded: Do you have any of your own children?

This hurts many adoptive parents because each road to adoption is so deeply personal.  There may be fertility issues, there may be financial issues, or it may simply be something that they feel called to do.  The parents will share this information if they feel that you should to know it.  If someone feels called to adopt, get excited for her because she is helping to make one less orphan. 

As an adoptive parent, I don’t get offended by this one.  I know these are my kids that I worked super hard for.  I chose them and did everything that I had to do to bring them home.  I take this opportunity to educate my friends and family that these are my own kids.  No need to spew hateful statements. 

22)   You know, many of these kids are “messed up” from birth based on genetics. 

This has totally been said to me, multiple times and I still internally scream a bit.  Messed up?  Seriously?!  Depending on the situation, I want to say, “And your bio kids are SO great?”.  But alas, I am a Christian and cannot say such words.  I really shouldn’t think them, but hey, God is still working on me. 

Anyway, try to get at the heart behind the comment.  Your friend or family member is saying this journey will be really tough… are you prepared?  This is something every potential foster/adoptive parent must assess.  Am I ready?  Do I have a correct view of what parenting will be like?  Do I have a good support system?  Have I truly counted the cost?  If you are called to adoption, please understand, these kids come with baggage.  I forget sometimes that my kids have gone through serious hurt in their years before we met.  It has not been easy, but few things that are truly valuable come without a struggle.

33)   Don’t you know that you will never love these children like you would love a biological child?

This one is particularly interesting to me.  Is there some way to quantify love?  I am unaware of any such tool.  In addition, I have known plenty of biological parents who “loved” their kids, but put their addictions ahead of the needs of their families.  Similarly, let us not forget that the reason many of these children are up for adoption is that their biological parents neglected or abused them.  Being a biological parent most certainly does not make you love someone more.  We chose each day who we will demonstrate love to.  God’s power working through me allows me to love in tremendous ways. 

Now, how should we as adoptive parents see the heart behind this statement?  I feel that what this person is really saying is that they love their biological child in a deep and unexplainable way.  They may feel that it would be really tough to love someone outside of their family that much.  Thank that friend for their concern, but let me tell you from experience, I love my kids.  I do not have biological kids to do a side-by-side comparison with, but I guarantee you that I love them in a way that I never thought possible.  I’m sure that there are differences with bio kids, but I find that unimportant when I look into the precious faces of my children and thank God that He entrusted me to care for them.


There are more of these phrases, which I would like to explore later, but for now, I will simply thank God for concerned friends and family.  They care about us and want what is best for us, even if they have trouble articulating it.  Adoption may be weird to those that do not feel called to it, but I have always rather enjoyed being a weirdo.


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