Let me just start by saying that hair, especially African
American hair, can be surprisingly divisive.
Heated arguments can spring up with this topic, so I hope that you read
these words as me simply being open and honest about our road with
adoption. I want to be real and
authentic and to let others know how they can prepare for this potential aspect
of adoption.
I am a low-maintenance kind of girl. I prefer the way that low-maintenance sounds over
lazy and slightly disheveled. My hair
stays mostly in a ponytail and when, by chance, it is styled, I have exactly
two styles: straightened and curled. All
that to say, when I found out we were adopting an African American girl, I was
more than a little bit overwhelmed.
When my daughter moved in, her hair was in braids with
extensions. I thought that I had dodged
a bullet and had some time before I had to do anything with her hair. The kids’ caseworker, as well as our
caseworker, both African American women, informed me in no uncertain terms that
her hair needed some serious attention right away.
I began to come to a tough realization that I couldn’t even
tell when her hair was unacceptable.
Crap! And, apparently I was not
alone in this. My Caucasian girl friends
thought her hair was cute and 100% okay.
I felt defeated and I had not even started my journey as a parent.
So I began to seek out help from my African American females
friends. Thank the Lord for them and
their patience. Sometimes I didn’t even
know what questions to ask, but they helped me along the way. They were kind and understanding. They replied to frantic texts. I cannot thank them enough.
I remember calling a dear friend to come help me take out
her braids that first time. She showed
up at my house with a bag full of products and a wealth of knowledge. She was so gentle and tender as she taught me
how to wash my daughter’s hair, and I could almost cry when I think of how much
that helped.
An important part of adopting, especially when adopting from
another race, is to practice humility.
There was so much to learn: from products to use, how often to do what,
and how to style her hair. It can be
overwhelming, but you need to have a support network and you need to be humble
enough to ask for their help.
Self-sufficiency and pride must be checked at the door.
And, a plead to the African American mamas (or biracial,
etc.) out there who see us Caucasian mamas struggling. Please offer us a helping hand…and PLEASE
offer some encouragement. You have had
women along the way that helped you to learn, so please pay it forward. We need to hear your advice and to learn from
you, but we also need to hear we are doing okay. We need to know that you are there as a
resource. Offer to do a friend’s
daughter’s hair. Take her to the beauty
shop and help her to get comfortable.
Show her the salon or friend you use to do your hair. All of these things mean so much to a novice.
I say all of things not to overwhelm, but rather to
encourage. The vast majority of the time,
I do Z’s hair myself, mostly for the sake of time and cost. If I can manage, I promise you can as
well. That time spent washing and
styling hair can become a bonding time between mothers and daughters. This does not mean every time is easy and
effortless. I learned early on that my
daughter needs routine and she needs to know when her hair will be washed, how
it will be styled, and how long it will take.
Structure and predictability are keys to success.
We pray that she knows that she is deeply loved and that her
hair is not a burden, but rather a blessing from the Lord. We pray that her hair is not the source of
her beauty, but that her beauty comes from within. We pray that our daughter learns to not only
embrace, but to celebrate the hair that God has given her. Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with such
a precious child. We are so thrilled to
know her.
A great resource to check out:
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