Let me just start by saying that hair, especially African American hair, can be surprisingly divisive.  Heated arguments can spring up with this topic, so I hope that you read these words as me simply being open and honest about our road with adoption.  I want to be real and authentic and to let others know how they can prepare for this potential aspect of adoption.

I am a low-maintenance kind of girl.  I prefer the way that low-maintenance sounds over lazy and slightly disheveled.  My hair stays mostly in a ponytail and when, by chance, it is styled, I have exactly two styles: straightened and curled.  All that to say, when I found out we were adopting an African American girl, I was more than a little bit overwhelmed.

When my daughter moved in, her hair was in braids with extensions.  I thought that I had dodged a bullet and had some time before I had to do anything with her hair.  The kids’ caseworker, as well as our caseworker, both African American women, informed me in no uncertain terms that her hair needed some serious attention right away. 

I began to come to a tough realization that I couldn’t even tell when her hair was unacceptable.  Crap!  And, apparently I was not alone in this.  My Caucasian girl friends thought her hair was cute and 100% okay.  I felt defeated and I had not even started my journey as a parent. 

So I began to seek out help from my African American females friends.  Thank the Lord for them and their patience.  Sometimes I didn’t even know what questions to ask, but they helped me along the way.  They were kind and understanding.  They replied to frantic texts.  I cannot thank them enough.

I remember calling a dear friend to come help me take out her braids that first time.  She showed up at my house with a bag full of products and a wealth of knowledge.  She was so gentle and tender as she taught me how to wash my daughter’s hair, and I could almost cry when I think of how much that helped. 

An important part of adopting, especially when adopting from another race, is to practice humility.  There was so much to learn: from products to use, how often to do what, and how to style her hair.  It can be overwhelming, but you need to have a support network and you need to be humble enough to ask for their help.  Self-sufficiency and pride must be checked at the door.

And, a plead to the African American mamas (or biracial, etc.) out there who see us Caucasian mamas struggling.  Please offer us a helping hand…and PLEASE offer some encouragement.  You have had women along the way that helped you to learn, so please pay it forward.  We need to hear your advice and to learn from you, but we also need to hear we are doing okay.  We need to know that you are there as a resource.  Offer to do a friend’s daughter’s hair.  Take her to the beauty shop and help her to get comfortable.  Show her the salon or friend you use to do your hair.  All of these things mean so much to a novice.

I say all of things not to overwhelm, but rather to encourage.  The vast majority of the time, I do Z’s hair myself, mostly for the sake of time and cost.  If I can manage, I promise you can as well.  That time spent washing and styling hair can become a bonding time between mothers and daughters.  This does not mean every time is easy and effortless.  I learned early on that my daughter needs routine and she needs to know when her hair will be washed, how it will be styled, and how long it will take.  Structure and predictability are keys to success.

We pray that she knows that she is deeply loved and that her hair is not a burden, but rather a blessing from the Lord.  We pray that her hair is not the source of her beauty, but that her beauty comes from within.  We pray that our daughter learns to not only embrace, but to celebrate the hair that God has given her.  Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with such a precious child.  We are so thrilled to know her.

A great resource to check out:

www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action

This past week a horrible incident occurred in a Cincinnati zoo.  A young child wanted to get into an exhibit and was able to do so, seemingly with little struggle.  He fell a distance into a moat, where a 400-pound gorilla greeted him. 

This is the stuff of nightmares.  Not only are little kids fast, I am convinced most have a death wish.  Our sole job as parents is to try to keep them alive to their 10^th birthday.  Now, instead of your child running out of your sight at the park or getting too close to the lit stove, he is trapped…in an exhibit…with a super terrifying animal that could easily crush his skull with one blow. 

As probably all of you are aware, the zookeepers had to make what must have been a heartbreaking decision and kill this rare, beautiful animal.  Zoology experts like Jack Hanna agreed that this was the right decision as this animal was showing signs of aggression.  He was most likely not going to stop without seriously, and potentially fatally injuring the child.  Tragedy all around.

This horrific event reminded me of something so incredibly prevalent in our culture.  People were blasting all over social media about how terribly neglectful these parents were, and that CPS should be investigating them.

Ahh…the trump card…call CPS.  So many people felt that this family should have their children taken away from them for neglect.  While I don’t think this freak accident should warrant that, I think it shows something important lacking in our hearts.  We are quick to point blame and stand in accusation, but when a child ends up in need of a loving home, where are the same outspoken vigilantes of justice?  All too often, the most opinionated are nowhere to be found. 

Abortion is another area where you see a lot of talk, and very little action.  Let me explain:  While I think EVERY life has value and is significant to our Heavenly Father…I feel for the women that have to make this tough decision.  They hear people shouting, “DON’T HAVE AN ABORTION! People would LOVE to adopt your baby!”  And then when it comes down to it, many are unwilling to actually foster or adopt.  (There are of course awesome exceptions to this, but sadly they are rare.)

My heart breaks when I see kids in need of loving homes.  When I look at our kids that we adopted two years ago, I am overwhelmed with so many emotions.  We are blessed to be able to raise them.  They are precious, hilarious, and although not biologically related to us, they are remarkably similar to our family.  We can’t imagine life without those two.

So, to sum up this meandering blog…I implore you please put action and compassion to your thoughts and quit playing the blame game.  Life is tough enough without the whole world picking apart your every decision.  When you see someone doing something that offends/upsets/frustrates you, ask yourself, “What can I do about this to help bring glory to Jesus?”

Earnestly ask God for insight, and then obey.  Maybe God will call you to adopt.  Maybe He will call you to foster.  Maybe He will call you to volunteer.  But, I guarantee you that whatever He calls you to will be challenging and rewarding in a way that you can’t even imagine right now.