Oh, man.  I know it sounds cliché, but I knew so much about parenting before I actually became a parent.  I could have written books with all the knowledge that I had gleaned from years of being a mentor, counselor, and youth worker.  My husband and I were married for nearly 7 years before we adopted and had talked through many of the scenarios that we were certain would come up once children came into the picture. 

While it is fun to daydream and play out those scenarios, almost none of these situations have come up in actual parenting.  I am convinced that is to keep us humble.  I would never have admitted it, but I had parenting pride even though I had not yet become a parent.

When our kids moved in, I treated it like we were at a youth retreat with new students.  I was friendly, funny, warm and tried to get them to feel comfortable.  That is all well and good, but that is not the best way that we should approach parenting.  The first time that a discipline issue arose, I panicked and deferred to my husband.  I liked being the “cool parent”, the laid back one, the one that fixed situations with wise words and reason.  Turns out, that doesn’t always work out the way we think it will.

Please hear me out.  The wisdom that I gained from experience in ministry and through studying God’s word truly was useful for training our kids in righteousness.  We had to rely on God’s spirit to give us wisdom to take those general principles and apply them to meet the specific needs of each situation.

Our adoption classes and experiences failed to teach us how to deal with our son’s fantasized version of his parents.  Having read their files, we knew the truth and it was far from what my son thought.  How should we help bring a child back to reality and speak truth, but not defame his birth mother?  Unfortunately, we didn’t exactly know. 

We explained that every one of our choices has long and lasting consequences.  But, this is where our counselor was able to offer assistance. We still take our kids every few weeks to meet with a Christian therapist even though CPS no longer requires it.  She has an incredible way with words and has a unique ability to help bring about understanding.  Despite what I would wish for, most parenting issues are not solved in a single conversation, but through years of consistency and modeling. 

My husband and I are both growing as parents.  We strive to model Jesus, but generally fall VERY short of that.  We were each fortunate enough to have amazing parents, who always seemed to know the answer and what to do in every situation.  Then it began to dawn on me one day, were they simply faking it?  Our parents seem so wise and experienced, but maybe they were just winging it.  This thought was rocking my world. 

So, what did this planner/people pleaser do? I began to learn to trust more and more in my Heavenly Father to give me wisdom and guidance.  I also learned that every parent out there (for the most part) is trying to raise their best kids that they can.  We all fall short.  EVERY. LAST. ONE. 

This profound thought can either overwhelm or empower.  I try to choose to take that extra moment before speaking, take a deep breath in and ask God for help.  And surprisingly (well, not really), God provides. 

I pray that as you consider entering this road less traveled, you enter with caution and humility.  Find a support network, spend serious time in prayer, learn from more experienced parents, and most importantly understand that when (not if) you fail, you join the ranks of every other parent ever.  Pray for God’s forgiveness and ask your child for forgiveness as well.  In order to be used by God for big things, He must increase and we must decrease. 

How Adoption Changed Me--Part 1

How Adoption Changed Me—Part I

So, if you have been reading this blog for any period of time, you know that a little over 2 years ago, my husband and I adopted two siblings from CPS and our lives changed forever.  Everyone tells you parenthood will change you, and they are most definitely not lying.  What people don’t tell you (and really, they can’t) is how it will change you specifically.  In a series of blogs, I want to share with you a few of the ways that adoption changed me.

Adoption changed the way that I spend my time.  When I worked as a nurse, I had a varying schedule where I might get several days off during the week.  Those were MY days.  I would frequently get together for lunch with friends, take long naps, watch copious amounts of Project Runway, and just generally relax.  If I had a few days off in row, we may even take a road trip. 

Those days are over.  Now, I attend practices, tournaments, ARD meetings, speech therapy sessions, fight crowds for school supplies, and play an infinite number of board games.  (Seriously, does any one else’s kids obsess over UNO or mancala, or is it just mine?

Adoption also changed the way that I feel about bedtimes.  Growing up, I was never given much of a bedtime.  I have amazing parents, but bedtimes were never really stressed.  I never told my parents, but I frequently struggled to stay awake at school, and that was probably why. 

When we adopted our kids, they were each on several medications for ADHD that had some serious side effects.  We wanted to do everything in our power to try to get them off of these medications, which included making sure that our kids got plenty of rest and had a healthy diet.  We also prayed for them a lot.  Thankfully, they no longer require medications and don’t have conduct issues at school.  But every time I tell friends when my kids go to sleep, I feel like they think I am a weirdo. 

I am a firm believer that kids need lots of sleep.  The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees. In fact, our kids often turn into emotional wrecks without adequate sleep.  There is yelling, outbursts, and lots of tears.  So, for the emotional well being of our family, we don’t skimp on sleep.

I realize that bedtimes and loss of personal time are not unique to adoption.  What is unique is all the baggage that adoption adds to the normal struggle.  When we adopted, our oldest was starting 5^th grade and our youngest was about to start kindergarten.  We did not realize the toll that moving so many times and living with families that did not provide structure and educational support had taken on them.  My son’s peers were far ahead of him with their multiplication tables and reading comprehension.  Our daughter’s peers were already reading and writing, and she could not even recognize her letters. 

Homework may be a struggle for many families, but with families of adoptive kids, it is even more so.  What should take the average student 20 minutes may last more than an hour for our kids.  Sometimes I can’t believe when they have never heard of some basic word or concept, but then I remember all that they have been through and all that they have missed.  I have spent countless hours at our kitchen table going over concepts that were missed or not understood.  I feel like a large part of my job as an adoptive parent is what Joel spoke about in restoring the years that the locusts have eaten.

Adopting older kids is challenging.  There will be places along the journey, where you will feel that this road is just too tough.  Sometimes we have to let go of expectations that may have been unrealistic and perhaps self-serving.  Sometimes we will be blown away by their incredible resiliency and rapid growth.  But most of the time, you will just catch a glimpse of those amazing, beautiful kids playing UNO with you and thank God that you are blessed to be their parent.