Adoption stories tug at my heart. And by tug, I mean they turn me into a weepy mess. The whole idea of seeing someone in need and finding a way to meet that need speaks to me at my core. It is beautiful, and it makes a great story. What more could you want?

When I was a teenager I began to be drawn to adoption for many reasons. Some were altruistic, but I am certain that if you were able to see into my heart, a part of me wanted to be someone’s rescuer be noticed for that act of rescuing. Being seen as selfless can really stroke our ego, which is quite ironic and dangerous. This is one reasons that I am thankful for the body of Christ.  I am humbled when I see folks who don’t adopt serving in incredibly selfless ways, as well as I see people who have adopted more children than me or children with special needs. 

Parents that adopt are some of my favorite people. I usually feel an instant bond with them in the same way that military folks are drawn together. We know what it truly means to be in the trenches, dealing with struggles that are unique to the adoptive relationship. We are used to people asking us repeatedly why we would ever choose to adopt a child that is “not our own”. We understand the confused stares that we get every time that we have a family outing. We understand that with kids that have joined our families through adoption (and potentially bio ones as well), there is so much just beneath the surface. Pain and heartache is a huge part of what made our families.

I say all that as a preface to these thoughts I have been having about my motivation to adopt. One of the main purposes of my blog is to help spur people toward adoption. It is what brings my heart tremendous joy. In all this encouraging, I feel like I need to confess that I have let the opinion of others steer me more than I would care to admit. Part of me swells with pride as I receive a pat on the back for adopting children. It makes me feel like I did something great.

So, I feel that it is necessary for adoptive parents as well as would-be adoptive parents to do some soul searching.  Please consider the following questions and give honest answers.

1                   1) What motivated me to adopt in the first place?

                     2) Would I still choose adoption if no one around me thought that it was admirable?

                     3)  Am I trying to be my child’s savior?

                     4)Am I okay with the idea that I alone cannot “fix” my child?

These questions have been giving me pause lately. My children have been through significant trauma and are struggling to catch up with their peers in many ways.  They are incredibly resilient, but there is still tremendous hurt just below the surface. No amount of hugs and kisses can heal their pain. They only act as band-aids, and no amount of band-aids can fix a gaping wound.

My kids, as well as most kids that have had their world turned upside down through displacement and adoption, need help from outside the family unit. When we first adopted, CPS required (and financially provided) for us to attend counseling every other week. The Christian counseling provided by our therapist helped us to learn how to cope with living together as a family. Everyone was struggling with the new way of life, but through our counselor’s guidance, that adjustment became much more enjoyable. A counselor provides a voice from outside the family to help speak truth, for which I am so thankful. 

Another important source of help from the outside is the support system. Our friends and family have been instrumental to helping our kids grow in so many ways. It is essential for any child to have trusted family and friends to turn to with concerns as well as embarrassing questions. We should ask our kids to choose someone they feel comfortable talking to about difficult subjects. If that person is someone we trust, we should give our child our permission to do so. Although I think part of me would love to answer all his questions, I seriously doubt that my teenage son will come to me with his questions about sexuality.

Ultimately, we all need the healing that can come from Jesus alone. Long before we met our children, they were known by their Heavenly Father. They are precious to Him. I pray for my children every single day and I feel like this is the most important thing that I do for my children. I pray for wisdom in how to handle the difficult situations that come my way. I pray for patience to stay calm when frustrated. I pray for deep friendships for them that are good, positive influences. I pray that they learn to trust more and more. These prayers are not simply words spoken in vain. I am pleading for God to help me to make the most of this opportunity that I have been given to reflect Him. By God’s grace, I will be able to do just that.

As parents, our role is so important, but we cannot mistake that for being everything to our children. When we try to “save” or “fix” our kids in our own strength, we become overbearing and life is exponentially more stressful. When I play my part, when I trust God to transform my children, and I allow friends and families to be that support system, we see just how beautiful the story of adoption can truly be. 

Grandparents Rock

My 13-year-old son had a band concert the other night.  He has been playing percussion for the last two years and has come a long way.  I didn’t find out about the concert until the night before, at which time I told my parents and my in-laws. 

I fully expected them to have something else that they had to do, since this was so last minute.  To my surprise, both sets of grandparents drove across town to see their grandson’s six-minute concert band performance. 

We are thankful for the parents we have, but our kids truly hit the jackpot with these grandparents.  They take them on special play dates, have them over to spend the night, and let them pretty much go nuts.  They love to share the stories from their childhood, and our kids soak it up. 

Rewind a few years, and I did not dream that this tight of a bond would develop.  You see, these same parents cautioned us about adoption, specifically concerning adopting older kids.  They really wanted us to have babies, probably because everybody just loves babies. 

Those days seem a million years ago now. When I see my kids run to greet their grandparents, I know that this is family.  I think it probably even surprises the grandparents how much they can love these kids.  I mean, they are not biologically related to them, they came to the family half-grown, and look nothing like the family.  It’s a special heartwarming moment when I see hearts that had a bit of (understandable) trepidation toward adoption embrace those very same kids. 

Adoption is truly a beautiful gift of God and I am so thankful for it.  It provides me with glimpses of the amazing heart of our Heavenly Father.  He sees us looking so unlike Him, but nonetheless He seeks us out and draws us in.  He loves us and over time, if we allow it and abide in Him, we begin to look more like Him than we could have ever imagined.  Everyone is afraid of becoming like their parents.  I hope and pray that I am able to demonstrate love and treasure my grandkids half as well as my parents and in-laws have.

Back in the Saddle Again

I’ve been feeling stuck for a while now.  I have gone from feeling passionate about blogging, to feeling interested in anything but blogging, to feeling very conflicted about sharing anything at all online.  This left me paralyzed in a sense, and it was a terrible place to live. 

We need to hear the stories of others.  When we open ourselves up to living through an experience with someone else, we are often changed by it.  It may give us courage to see how ordinary people can be used in extraordinary ways.  It may give us pause and help us to anticipate possible pitfalls.  But most importantly, it connects us. 

Sharing this adoption journey has been deeply profound for me and I have loved doing so.  I am incredibly humbled when I sit at the dinner table every night and realize that I get to hear the highlights of my kids’ days and be easily and effortlessly called “mom”.  My hope is to give the reader a small glimpse of the highs and the lows that have been a part of our adoption journey.

It’s really tough, though.  I want to be completely transparent and authentic, but sometimes I feel like these stories are not mine to tell.  Behind every lesson learned is a difficult journey that may include private details that my kids may or may not want shared.  At times I think, “What would my kids think if they read my blog”?  Would they feel their representation is accurate?  Would they feel I changed the details to make the story say what I wanted it to say? 

Another detail that makes our situation every more sensitive is the fact that their biological parents may be out there reading this blog.  Although that scenario is highly unlikely, it often crosses my mind and affects me more than I care to say.

Sorry to work all these details out in this format, but I believe I may not be alone in this feeling.  Others in the online community experience a tension walking the line between giving insight into our lives and over-sharing.  If I am putting something out for others to read I want to actually say something that matters.

So, what is the point of this blog post, you may ask?  Just to let you know that I am trying to get back to writing and I hope that I can, in that, warm a few hearts to the idea of adoption.

You guys have seriously been the greatest.  Your love, your support, and your encouragement mean more than I can say.  Thanks for sticking with me.  You are wonderful.