Oh, man.  I know it sounds cliché, but I knew so much about parenting before I actually became a parent.  I could have written books with all the knowledge that I had gleaned from years of being a mentor, counselor, and youth worker.  My husband and I were married for nearly 7 years before we adopted and had talked through many of the scenarios that we were certain would come up once children came into the picture. 

While it is fun to daydream and play out those scenarios, almost none of these situations have come up in actual parenting.  I am convinced that is to keep us humble.  I would never have admitted it, but I had parenting pride even though I had not yet become a parent.

When our kids moved in, I treated it like we were at a youth retreat with new students.  I was friendly, funny, warm and tried to get them to feel comfortable.  That is all well and good, but that is not the best way that we should approach parenting.  The first time that a discipline issue arose, I panicked and deferred to my husband.  I liked being the “cool parent”, the laid back one, the one that fixed situations with wise words and reason.  Turns out, that doesn’t always work out the way we think it will.

Please hear me out.  The wisdom that I gained from experience in ministry and through studying God’s word truly was useful for training our kids in righteousness.  We had to rely on God’s spirit to give us wisdom to take those general principles and apply them to meet the specific needs of each situation.

Our adoption classes and experiences failed to teach us how to deal with our son’s fantasized version of his parents.  Having read their files, we knew the truth and it was far from what my son thought.  How should we help bring a child back to reality and speak truth, but not defame his birth mother?  Unfortunately, we didn’t exactly know. 

We explained that every one of our choices has long and lasting consequences.  But, this is where our counselor was able to offer assistance. We still take our kids every few weeks to meet with a Christian therapist even though CPS no longer requires it.  She has an incredible way with words and has a unique ability to help bring about understanding.  Despite what I would wish for, most parenting issues are not solved in a single conversation, but through years of consistency and modeling. 

My husband and I are both growing as parents.  We strive to model Jesus, but generally fall VERY short of that.  We were each fortunate enough to have amazing parents, who always seemed to know the answer and what to do in every situation.  Then it began to dawn on me one day, were they simply faking it?  Our parents seem so wise and experienced, but maybe they were just winging it.  This thought was rocking my world. 

So, what did this planner/people pleaser do? I began to learn to trust more and more in my Heavenly Father to give me wisdom and guidance.  I also learned that every parent out there (for the most part) is trying to raise their best kids that they can.  We all fall short.  EVERY. LAST. ONE. 

This profound thought can either overwhelm or empower.  I try to choose to take that extra moment before speaking, take a deep breath in and ask God for help.  And surprisingly (well, not really), God provides. 

I pray that as you consider entering this road less traveled, you enter with caution and humility.  Find a support network, spend serious time in prayer, learn from more experienced parents, and most importantly understand that when (not if) you fail, you join the ranks of every other parent ever.  Pray for God’s forgiveness and ask your child for forgiveness as well.  In order to be used by God for big things, He must increase and we must decrease. 

How Adoption Changed Me--Part 1

How Adoption Changed Me—Part I

So, if you have been reading this blog for any period of time, you know that a little over 2 years ago, my husband and I adopted two siblings from CPS and our lives changed forever.  Everyone tells you parenthood will change you, and they are most definitely not lying.  What people don’t tell you (and really, they can’t) is how it will change you specifically.  In a series of blogs, I want to share with you a few of the ways that adoption changed me.

Adoption changed the way that I spend my time.  When I worked as a nurse, I had a varying schedule where I might get several days off during the week.  Those were MY days.  I would frequently get together for lunch with friends, take long naps, watch copious amounts of Project Runway, and just generally relax.  If I had a few days off in row, we may even take a road trip. 

Those days are over.  Now, I attend practices, tournaments, ARD meetings, speech therapy sessions, fight crowds for school supplies, and play an infinite number of board games.  (Seriously, does any one else’s kids obsess over UNO or mancala, or is it just mine?

Adoption also changed the way that I feel about bedtimes.  Growing up, I was never given much of a bedtime.  I have amazing parents, but bedtimes were never really stressed.  I never told my parents, but I frequently struggled to stay awake at school, and that was probably why. 

When we adopted our kids, they were each on several medications for ADHD that had some serious side effects.  We wanted to do everything in our power to try to get them off of these medications, which included making sure that our kids got plenty of rest and had a healthy diet.  We also prayed for them a lot.  Thankfully, they no longer require medications and don’t have conduct issues at school.  But every time I tell friends when my kids go to sleep, I feel like they think I am a weirdo. 

I am a firm believer that kids need lots of sleep.  The American Academy of Pediatrics agrees. In fact, our kids often turn into emotional wrecks without adequate sleep.  There is yelling, outbursts, and lots of tears.  So, for the emotional well being of our family, we don’t skimp on sleep.

I realize that bedtimes and loss of personal time are not unique to adoption.  What is unique is all the baggage that adoption adds to the normal struggle.  When we adopted, our oldest was starting 5^th grade and our youngest was about to start kindergarten.  We did not realize the toll that moving so many times and living with families that did not provide structure and educational support had taken on them.  My son’s peers were far ahead of him with their multiplication tables and reading comprehension.  Our daughter’s peers were already reading and writing, and she could not even recognize her letters. 

Homework may be a struggle for many families, but with families of adoptive kids, it is even more so.  What should take the average student 20 minutes may last more than an hour for our kids.  Sometimes I can’t believe when they have never heard of some basic word or concept, but then I remember all that they have been through and all that they have missed.  I have spent countless hours at our kitchen table going over concepts that were missed or not understood.  I feel like a large part of my job as an adoptive parent is what Joel spoke about in restoring the years that the locusts have eaten.

Adopting older kids is challenging.  There will be places along the journey, where you will feel that this road is just too tough.  Sometimes we have to let go of expectations that may have been unrealistic and perhaps self-serving.  Sometimes we will be blown away by their incredible resiliency and rapid growth.  But most of the time, you will just catch a glimpse of those amazing, beautiful kids playing UNO with you and thank God that you are blessed to be their parent. 

From Pity to Mercy

If you have been watching the Olympics (who hasn’t, really?) then you know about the one and only Simone Biles.  This girl is nothing short of amazing.  She is flawlessly nailing passes that other Olympic athletes won’t even attempt.  It makes my Houstonian heart proud to watch her slay these Olympic games.

I am however a bit perturbed when I see so much focus going to her early childhood, to her biological mother who was a “drug addict” that “abandoned” her to her grandparents, which graciously took her in.  What annoys me is that this is not the narrative that she wants told.  She had a rough start, but she has parents that love her unconditionally and helped her to achieve this nearly impossible goal.  That’s her story.  She worked her butt off, had amazing support and now she’s killing it.

I’m sure Simone is not ashamed of her roots, but an unconventional childhood should not allow the media to exploit her story for the sake of ratings.   Most certainly her story would not be one of a vilified birth mother, saintly adoptive parents and poor, helpless kids caught in the mix.  Lord knows adoptive parents have just as many flaws and neurosis as their biological counterparts, and her mother is more than simply a drug addict.

Our culture has a weird fascination with adoption.  We think it is our right to know ALL the details behind an adoption, and that is simply not the case.  Reliving the trauma that led up to the separation from one’s biological parents may be too difficult for some adoptees. 

This is not another blog that is simply meant to shame the reader into sensitivity.  Rather, my hope is to open your eyes to what adoption really looks like and how you can be a part of changing the lives of one or more kids forever.  I would love to see people moved from pity to mercy.

This morning I asked my kids what they wanted people to know about adoption.  My 7-year-old daughter said, “That it’s good, and that I love my parents”.  My 12-year-old son said, “People should adopt, because without adoption kids go without love and eventually become homeless”. 

Adoption is simple.  It is about being moved to love and provide for a child.  Adoptive parents are not superheroes.  We are regular people who couldn’t bear the thought of a child being without love.

Parenting in general is hard, and dealing with the extra baggage of a complicated past makes it even more so, but know that there is help.  Our kids go to counseling 1-2 times per month to help deal with the wounds of their past.  Our family and friends “lean in” and help us tremendously, because it truly does take a village.

The tough spots are worth it, though.  When I see my son excelling in sports, I think of how exciting it is to see how far they have come.  When I see my daughter pray for hurting people to be healed by God, I am reminded of how fortunate we are to be their parents.  Adopting has changed my perspective and world view and helped to open the eyes of our circle of influence. 

So, in summation, please be sensitive when asking adopted kids/adults about their history.  Curiosity does not entitle you to know the details of someone’s past.  But, even more importantly, don’t just pity this situation: consider how you can show mercy and change lives.  Be open to fostering and adoption.  Move from being a bystander to being a part of the action.  This is an adventure that will change many lives forever.

If you have any questions about the adoption/fostering journey, please send me a message.  I do not have all the answers, but I can hopefully point you to helpful resources.  Thanks for reading. 

Hair & Humility

Let me just start by saying that hair, especially African American hair, can be surprisingly divisive.  Heated arguments can spring up with this topic, so I hope that you read these words as me simply being open and honest about our road with adoption.  I want to be real and authentic and to let others know how they can prepare for this potential aspect of adoption.

I am a low-maintenance kind of girl.  I prefer the way that low-maintenance sounds over lazy and slightly disheveled.  My hair stays mostly in a ponytail and when, by chance, it is styled, I have exactly two styles: straightened and curled.  All that to say, when I found out we were adopting an African American girl, I was more than a little bit overwhelmed.

When my daughter moved in, her hair was in braids with extensions.  I thought that I had dodged a bullet and had some time before I had to do anything with her hair.  The kids’ caseworker, as well as our caseworker, both African American women, informed me in no uncertain terms that her hair needed some serious attention right away. 

I began to come to a tough realization that I couldn’t even tell when her hair was unacceptable.  Crap!  And, apparently I was not alone in this.  My Caucasian girl friends thought her hair was cute and 100% okay.  I felt defeated and I had not even started my journey as a parent. 

So I began to seek out help from my African American females friends.  Thank the Lord for them and their patience.  Sometimes I didn’t even know what questions to ask, but they helped me along the way.  They were kind and understanding.  They replied to frantic texts.  I cannot thank them enough.

I remember calling a dear friend to come help me take out her braids that first time.  She showed up at my house with a bag full of products and a wealth of knowledge.  She was so gentle and tender as she taught me how to wash my daughter’s hair, and I could almost cry when I think of how much that helped. 

An important part of adopting, especially when adopting from another race, is to practice humility.  There was so much to learn: from products to use, how often to do what, and how to style her hair.  It can be overwhelming, but you need to have a support network and you need to be humble enough to ask for their help.  Self-sufficiency and pride must be checked at the door.

And, a plead to the African American mamas (or biracial, etc.) out there who see us Caucasian mamas struggling.  Please offer us a helping hand…and PLEASE offer some encouragement.  You have had women along the way that helped you to learn, so please pay it forward.  We need to hear your advice and to learn from you, but we also need to hear we are doing okay.  We need to know that you are there as a resource.  Offer to do a friend’s daughter’s hair.  Take her to the beauty shop and help her to get comfortable.  Show her the salon or friend you use to do your hair.  All of these things mean so much to a novice.

I say all of things not to overwhelm, but rather to encourage.  The vast majority of the time, I do Z’s hair myself, mostly for the sake of time and cost.  If I can manage, I promise you can as well.  That time spent washing and styling hair can become a bonding time between mothers and daughters.  This does not mean every time is easy and effortless.  I learned early on that my daughter needs routine and she needs to know when her hair will be washed, how it will be styled, and how long it will take.  Structure and predictability are keys to success.

We pray that she knows that she is deeply loved and that her hair is not a burden, but rather a blessing from the Lord.  We pray that her hair is not the source of her beauty, but that her beauty comes from within.  We pray that our daughter learns to not only embrace, but to celebrate the hair that God has given her.  Thank you, Lord, for entrusting us with such a precious child.  We are so thrilled to know her.

A great resource to check out:

www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action

This past week a horrible incident occurred in a Cincinnati zoo.  A young child wanted to get into an exhibit and was able to do so, seemingly with little struggle.  He fell a distance into a moat, where a 400-pound gorilla greeted him. 

This is the stuff of nightmares.  Not only are little kids fast, I am convinced most have a death wish.  Our sole job as parents is to try to keep them alive to their 10^th birthday.  Now, instead of your child running out of your sight at the park or getting too close to the lit stove, he is trapped…in an exhibit…with a super terrifying animal that could easily crush his skull with one blow. 

As probably all of you are aware, the zookeepers had to make what must have been a heartbreaking decision and kill this rare, beautiful animal.  Zoology experts like Jack Hanna agreed that this was the right decision as this animal was showing signs of aggression.  He was most likely not going to stop without seriously, and potentially fatally injuring the child.  Tragedy all around.

This horrific event reminded me of something so incredibly prevalent in our culture.  People were blasting all over social media about how terribly neglectful these parents were, and that CPS should be investigating them.

Ahh…the trump card…call CPS.  So many people felt that this family should have their children taken away from them for neglect.  While I don’t think this freak accident should warrant that, I think it shows something important lacking in our hearts.  We are quick to point blame and stand in accusation, but when a child ends up in need of a loving home, where are the same outspoken vigilantes of justice?  All too often, the most opinionated are nowhere to be found. 

Abortion is another area where you see a lot of talk, and very little action.  Let me explain:  While I think EVERY life has value and is significant to our Heavenly Father…I feel for the women that have to make this tough decision.  They hear people shouting, “DON’T HAVE AN ABORTION! People would LOVE to adopt your baby!”  And then when it comes down to it, many are unwilling to actually foster or adopt.  (There are of course awesome exceptions to this, but sadly they are rare.)

My heart breaks when I see kids in need of loving homes.  When I look at our kids that we adopted two years ago, I am overwhelmed with so many emotions.  We are blessed to be able to raise them.  They are precious, hilarious, and although not biologically related to us, they are remarkably similar to our family.  We can’t imagine life without those two.

So, to sum up this meandering blog…I implore you please put action and compassion to your thoughts and quit playing the blame game.  Life is tough enough without the whole world picking apart your every decision.  When you see someone doing something that offends/upsets/frustrates you, ask yourself, “What can I do about this to help bring glory to Jesus?”

Earnestly ask God for insight, and then obey.  Maybe God will call you to adopt.  Maybe He will call you to foster.  Maybe He will call you to volunteer.  But, I guarantee you that whatever He calls you to will be challenging and rewarding in a way that you can’t even imagine right now.